Peace In The City

A Time for Gratitude

2008-12-15T15:23:00.002-11:00

Tis' the season people reflect on their year and plan on their new year. A friend told me the other morning that they were not ready to do year-end reels when I asked for 2008 highlights. The truth is, I can hardly believe this time is here so soon! Yet, it is. This year I dipped my toes in 3 oceans (one of which in two countries!). I watched my goddaughter graduate high school and helped her move boxes into her first dorm room. I stood in the hockey rink where the US beat the Russians in the 1980's Olympic as Tom Petty's "It's Good to be King" played overhead. I ran up the last two flights of the Olympic ski jump singing the Olympic theme and forgot I don't like heights as I pretended to prepare for the three beeps before pretending to launch off (that was fun!). I made friends around an Adirondack bonfire, surfed in Costa Rica, taste my first special brownie, introduced a Tibetan, a Peruvian and Indian to the tradition of toasting the sunset after a great conversation and cocktail. I walked through ancient ruins and spent the night on a sailboat. I even learned I have a singing voice. Trust me when I say no one was more surprised than me!

As I think forward to an even more amazing year ahead, I have to say good-bye to this year and to this blog. Three blogs have become too complicated and I am working on transparency. It's time to combine all of my passions into one simple location. After the first of the year, you can read the crazy thoughts, follow Peace in the City yoga and fitness news, and photography all at: http://peaceinthecity.wordpress.com

Happy holidays and an abundant 2009.

"Good morning and welcome home."

2008-12-07T01:08:00.009-11:00

Future Generations, Class Three with the Dean and Future generations Peru staff and Regional Minister of Health

Surf Lessons, Lima

Walking towards the coldest water ever!

Roughly 32 seconds before I was submerged in a wave so cold it took my breath away. Surfing is hard enough with breath. I promptly left the water, dried off and watched my pal Atul. His first time swimming in an ocean, he surfs. Those Indian indians are crazy mother-(bleep)!

Rosaries

St. Francis Cathedral, Lima. All those black dots are birds. The whole place was full of birds. It was as if they knew it was St. Francis' place. Crazy!

National Cathedral, Lima

(L to R) Joy, Kristen, Lham, Digi, Wendy

Market

Day in the park

Mmmmmm...mango

Food as art

Daniel Taylor and Gil

Reinforcement for vegetarians.

"Best ceviche in the world"

Tour boat captain

Atul, first time on the ocean.

La Punta, Peru

That was the greeting in customs. It's always hard to know if it's good to be home, particularly after a spectacular experience and incredible country such as Peru. If you ever think of going to Peru, for God's sake see other places in addition to Cusco and Machu Picchu. It is such a diverse country and the people get nicer each place you go!

Beyond the wonderful travel experiences, I finally have a little better answer to the question, "So, what are you going to do with this degree?" We spent the last week processing through our community work. It was exciting to to take a crazy idea and see that it is possible and hear so many other ideas for how to do it. I know I will be in Phoenix a little longer than I had hoped post graduation (I am sure my mom and yoga students will be pleased), but I think it will be worthwhile. As my counterpart from Uganda says, "Nothing is impossible".

beach (photos)

2008-11-29T16:39:00.006-11:00

Alex and I

Dog watching his master, wanting to join in the water. The man in front is not the owner and getting a little freaked out by this dog's behavior. She looks like Savannah!

"Okay, so see how that wave is coming in? Wait for it. Wait for it. Okay! PADDLE, PADDLE, PADDLE, UP!!!"

lovers on the beach

Alex. I loved the wall, window, his skin and t-shirt matching so perfectly.

Atul and I. Ocean is to the left of us.

Poets and beer

The police here in Lima have big meatball Rotties as partners. Couldn't ask for a better one! This boy was only 8 months old and named Chico.

The lady behind Atul was beautiful and about 9 months pregnant. I love this shot!

Yeah, still can't get an answer for this odd behavior. Maybe Peru's version of drag queens?

sunset

Raven on cross

a day at the beach

2008-11-29T13:48:00.004-11:00

I can say that in March I swam in the Carribean, August walked through the Pacific Ocean in California and then dipped my toes in Rhode Island's Atlanic Ocean, then today, walked through Peru's Pacific Ocean. Meanwhile, I shared today's experience with Atul, who saw the ocean for the first time in his 39 years of life! He says of his experience, "Man is nothing before nature; you feel very small, like your presence is nothing!" As we walked and looked at the water, the people, the beach, my soul breathed. Blissful, perfect is how I would describe it. Alex wanted us to swim but it's just too cold for me. Unless there is a wetsuit and surfboard, I am not interested. We had a beer on an upper veranda, overlooking the ocean. A man sang, off key. I introduced myself and he said when I have taken the fruit of life, I should join him and sing, too. I was inspired to take many pictures and even write two poems.

"Barranaco"

Songs, birds and waves
join together in a symphony
Lovers and friends laughing
add harmony
Glasses clink in 'salud'
a punctuation mark
Effervesce, my feelings
bubble to the surface
The dun smiles upon us
happy, as I, in this perfection

new traditions and old ones shared

2008-11-27T16:41:00.002-11:00

I am thankful for today. I sent thanksgiving greetings before taking off on a very long bus ride to Lima. It rained and I slept a bit. Probably the first time on any of the residential's while traveling. When I arrived to the hotel, I made calls and heard voices of loved ones and friends, received the most beautiful emails expressing gratitude of friendships- some as new as a year and others as old as 25 years.

Tonight I celebrated Thanksgiving. This is a big deal for me. I have disliked Thanksgiving for many years. But, I knew Kristen was really missing her family. I asked our Peruvian student if he could arrange for a Thanksgiving feast- turkey, sweet potatoes, rice, and red wine (I knew they wouldn't have cranberries or pumpkin pie). We managed to get a relish plate with beets, cucumbers, avacado, tomato, and feta, along with regular baked potatoes. Friends of Future Generations surprised us with Pisco Sours (national drink of Peru) and red and white wine. Alex surprised me with an early birthday tres leche cake (and it was truly the best I have EVER had). We held hands and one by one said what we were thankful for, which ironically, we all said was our group! I even had a regular sized piece of turkey (most meat I have had in almost 4 years!). Several students went back for seconds! It was great! Then afterwards, we sat around the table and talked and laughter for a couple of hours. I can say it was the best thanksgiving I have ever had, but possibly the strangest. I mean, what's thanksgiving without drama? I give thanks that my family took care of that back home and I was free to just be thankful and at peace. Or as Ice Cube said, today was a good day!

what is necessary?

2008-11-26T08:20:00.002-11:00

I can no longer look out
over the patchwork fields
that climb to the tops of mountains
only only see determination and necessity
I have looked into the eyes of
the men, women and children
and seen resignation to a life of hardship
the innocence lost or perhaps never there
I listen to the success built upon by
the dedicated health workers
those men and women who know the souls,
bodies, and stories behind the eyes
I feel the reality of how much
more is needed of the light
that penetrates not some darknesses
that lingers in reality everywhere
I question why we keep trying?
Will it do any good?
Will we ever see the results?
I find my answers in the arms of a girl
whose poem of a river carries me on my journey

I was thinking about the people who climb 1000-2000 feet each direction up a hillside in order to graze their animals or tend crops. Families with several kids, all who have only one article of clothing. Farmers growing cash crops to pay debts on medicine while their family is malnourished. Then I think of the ads I will be bombarded with when I arrive home; everything we must have for Christmas. I carry a Coach cd case (given as a gift, not purchased) and think of the blind musician in Cusco. I think of my mortgage and debts and how ridiculous it all is! What do we really need? I think I have my answers and I am not so naive to believe that simplicity is attainable without complications, nor am I romanticizing poverty. But on this Thanksgiving Eve, I am grateful for my family (probably more than ever before), my wonderful friends, the opportunity to be in the class with these students in this place, good wine, good food, shelter, my health (especially my health), and the divine spirit always guiding me. That's all I really need, I think, the rest is all gravy in a meal I hope to share with many, many, many others who are hungry.

Tingo Marie

2008-11-23T13:11:00.004-11:00

We have officially been to the jungle. other than an allergic reaction to mold (I think) when walking through the cacoa plantation, I survived. That's okay, it's always good when I loose my voice because I am forced to listen and write more. We visited a small cocao plantation and learned how they graph plants, are transitioning to organic production, and all about their cooperative. Then we went to a coffee and chocolate factory. Oh, yes, completely reminded us of Willy Wanka! Starbuck's buys their Fair Trade coffee. It was very interesting and I will never forget the women sorting beans on an assembly line when I have a cup of Starbucks. While they are treated fairly and paid a good wage for this area and their level of education, it works out to be about $10/day, 8 hours a day. We had the opportunity to support these co-ops by buying chocolate and coffee the next day. It is fascinating to me what goes into what I eat. I am beginning to think more and more about this all the time. Who grew it? How are they treated? Who produces it? How are they treated? Where does it come from/ Who ultimately benefits from it? How is it transported and from where? Who benefits at the final level of sales? I hope that these questions sometimes linger in your mind, too.

The cloud forest. This is an amazing phenomenon. I remember the first, and only other, time I touched a cloud was in August 1989 when my parents moved me to NAU. We drove up Mt Humphrey and I rolled down the window to touch it. Those were much colder than these but not by much. A tad ironic that almost 20 years later in another school I am with my new family touching clouds.

School children in Tingo Maria

Norbu looking at the waterfall we hiked to. I did not get in but did climb down to touch the water. It was so refreshing, I wished I had my swimsuit. Nudity is frowned upon and as a nurse with our group reminded me, we are down river of a town and who knows what goes on in the river. Gave me pause.

Opening a cacoa plant.

Cacao...or the fruit of goddess (or monsters depending on the time of month) everywhere. Yes, I found my mecca.

The inside of a cacoa plant. You pull the white, slimy beans out and suck off that white slime. (To my dear family, I want NO comments on that last line posted publicly, please.) It tastes divine. Not like chocolate at all, but maybe more like coconut. I finished half a plant myself. You spit the seeds out. In small, poor farms, the family uses the same technique to clean the beans, then they dry the beans in the sun. It provides some nutrition. I noticed they saved all of our beans. Next time you have a piece of chocolate, think about all the possibilities of how those beans could have been cleaned! Mmmmmm....chocolate!

Digi and I...the two biggest chocolate fans at the source.

Son of tour guide holding a fruit of cacoa

At the coffee and chocolate factory.

Cachigaga Sugar and Coffee Plantation

2008-11-22T16:07:00.004-11:00

Cachigaga is located outside of Huanaco and is the only sugar plantation in Peru to obtain organic certification. Our guide was wonderful. He's 75 years old and gave us the most thorough tour of how they grow sugar organically and process it into cane juice, sugars, , and rum. Seriously, organic rum. Oh, yes, I bought some. I mean, really, for #4 USD for 750ml, who could resist? He and his wife of 42 years graciously received us into their home (gorgeous hacienda) and served us rum and cane juice. YUM! He was very kind answering all our questions. It was rather inspiring and makes me wonder, could I actually be a farmer one day?

2008-11-22T15:50:00.003-11:00

Leaving Lima. There is a crazy hillside with the most colorful houses. Pretty, but odd.

On the road to Huanaco. There are so many places we have been to that reminds me of AZ! I think you'll get a feel for that in these next two.

The next two are of mining lakes. Another reminder of Arizona's oddly blue-green water of mining towns.

Extreme playground sports Huanaco style... I tried to get up onto this swingset, but I just couldn't. The swing comes up to my chest. Talk about a plyometric/arm workout!
Okay, so this needs some explaining...Kristen and I decided to teeter totter. Ridiculous, I know. Nonetheless, there we were trying to figure out how the hell to get on this thing. We managed after a good, solid 5 minutes and some gymnastics meets yoga skills. I remember as a kid playing in the park across the street from my house that feeling of flying in the air. It has been a long time since I have had that sensation, but on Huanaco's extreme playground sports, we once again shared that feeling before attempting a not-s0-graceful dismount. Kris is about 5'2 just to put this crazy thing in perspective!

Kotosh

2008-11-22T15:43:00.004-11:00

I cannot begin to explain what it is like to touch a remain from the Incan civilization, but words really escape me when trying to express the feelings of standing in a 4000 year old, pre-Incan temple! Unreal, maybe? I kept wondering why we were able to be standing there. Our guide explained that the crossed hands were right in front of left on one side of the temple and reversed on the other. They believe that was significant to gender and symbolic of balance. Did they know something of gender equality that we have forgotten and are trying to relocate? The suspension bridge provided the sensation of walking while very, very drunk. It made me laugh!

I love being a voyeur through the bus windows; looking down on everyday life gives a glimpse of the extraordinary. Watching people at the market, standing on the corner talking to a friend, lovers kissing on a park bench. It is so much better than television.

The lower hill is actually from a mountain mudslide of epic proportions.

Kristen and I in front of temple.

Tea time at sunset in Huanaco

2008-11-18T12:04:00.002-11:00

Maybe I am just in a praticularly romantic mood. Orr maybe I am just really caught up in the moment. Perhaps it was the feeble, yet honest, attempt at meditation this morning sprinkled with some yoga. But the sun is setting, though in the mountains so hard to see the sunsets I am accustomed to in Phoenix. Across from the hotel is a park. At the moment it is being fully utilized. I rarely see anything like this in the evenings in Phoenix. People running on the track, multiple football (soccer for you Americanos) games happening, a volleyball game, kids on the playground equipment (and i do mean all of the equipment), couples snuggling on the benches. It's just beautiful.

For our tea time we received fresh fruit. A fresh mango, shared amongst friends. Its juices running down my hands, a slight tingle on my tongue, such a creamy, soft texture and a beutiful color of orange. I think maybe it is the most sexual fruit I know. Now that ought to prompt comments! I also tried a pepino. I knew the name so I asked for the translation and it's cucumber. Round, whitish in color, with a few purple stripes like a gord. Tastes like honeydew. Mmmmmm... just love fresh, local fruit. Reminds me how shitty I eat at home. Also reminds me the only two things in life that money can't buy is true love and homegrown tomatoes. teehee.

a day off

2008-11-16T05:17:00.002-11:00

Yesterday, we had the day off. We went to 3 local markets where the locals shop. Then we went to the square to do a little shopping. Had a short meeting with the dean. After lunch, Kristen and I went back to the square for a 40 soles ($13) massage. It was really nice. They used the hot stones, but they had us lay on them. One burned me pretty bad. Otherwise a good massage. Funny, though, I have gone into many massages with injuries but never left with one! We left and found an ice cream place along the way. Mint chocolate chip for me, cappachino and lemon for her. We passed a blind man holding a version of a guitar (don't know what it was exactly). We put a couple soles in his bucket and sat to hear him play. He took his time finishing his cigarette. As he finished, a man walked up, said something and took the guitar. He played something flaminco sounding. Beautiful. He returned the instrument and walked off. Then the old man played two songs that sounded traditional. People passed us and watched us, watching them. The clouds wept a bit. We left and took our time wandering home. She teaches me how to live.

Catcca

2008-11-16T03:43:00.011-11:00

Cat at market. Heaven?

At over 14,000+ feet above sea level. Traditional village of the Quetchuan people

El Mono is on the move!

2008-11-16T03:36:00.003-11:00

In Lima

CatccaCusco
with Digi and Gil

Sipping Coca tea

Hanging out with Gil and Norbu

Street views from a bus

2008-11-16T03:18:00.008-11:00

14,000+ feet above sea level

At 12,000+ feet above sea level. Check out the terracing. Amazing.

Classmates. From top to bottom: Lham, Joy, Digi, Kristen, Nobu, Rezul, Wendy, Gil, Atul, Alex

At a community elementary school...

Wetlands

Machu Picchu

2008-11-16T02:48:00.009-11:00

Words don't really describe the place. Nothing is strong enough to express the marvel of what people over 900 years ago knew. So, best I can do is tell you my favorite parts:
The engineering
The astrological temple (I appreciate Will Bruder's work at Burton Barr even more now)
Their appreciation for the sun and moon
The water system

The rest I will leave to a few photos...

Dan Wessner (professor) and Joy (Uganda) admiring the fine, yet not subtle, Inkan art. If you want to know what I named this piece of art, you'll have to email me!

Cusco train station

Views from the train...

Norbu

Indiana Jolie? Kidding! Atul's (India) hat. HUGE on my big noggin.

Kristen offering Bob Flemming and Wendy (the other Wendy- a friend of Future Generations) maize bought from a street vendor at a train station stop. The kernels are as large as Oklahoma hominy!

Porters waiting for trekkers just outside of MP

Machu Picchu

Alpacha Yoga

Digi

View from Astrological Temple of sleeping stars

The water system

Innocent moments...Alex W. took my hand as we sat and gazed out at the view. He's mildly autistic, so any show of physical affection is always a big deal. I am honored to have had that moment. Such a special and wise young man. You'll see his photo in the US Residential section.

In town below MP

Walk, talk and listen

2008-11-09T15:10:00.007-11:00

We watched "The Judge and The General", a movie about Judge Guzman who was assigned the trial of war crimes in Chile and ended up indicting the former president, General Pinochot. WOW!!! You wanna know the other side of human rights atrocities? The movie ended and total silence from our group. Then the discussions began. Alex talked about Peru today. That led us into conversations about the various types of governments. It's so confusing. Some many ideals and yet our world is an experiment in political science as these ideals are merged, separated, transformed, and morphed, often at the expense of the people. In two countries, which I will not name here, they are seen as examples by the Peruvians as positive examples for thriving economies. Then out professor pointed out that they had erraticated their indigenious people in the 1920's and 30's, thus ceasing any "drag on the economy". My classmates point to various authoritarians (including Bush) and ask why people follow them. I put these together as I read an email from someone close to me who is staunchly against our new president and claims they are in a smart state who voted for McCain.

I don't believe in carrying those capable of walking on our backs. I do believe in providing people the opportunity to walk on their own. I can't imagine why we could ever get to a place where we think someone should die because their values are different from ours. I am so frustrated with all of us blaming others and not taking a look in the mirror to see how we contribute to the problem and I don't know anyone who isn't in some way contributing (though not to say they don't exist). I continue to return to the three questions:
How do we come to a place to understand that their are many shades of right and wrong?
What is the "good life" we search for?
When is enough enough?
It is tough!! I don't know these answers and I don't truly know that there is AN answer.

We did another walk and listen while your partner talks. Today I explained what is happening to my little community in Phoenix. We had a great talk and he is starting to talk to me more and more. He is the one student who did not talk to me and now I feel we are fast becoming friends. I like him. I made myself choose him and I am sure he was not happy about that, but I am seeing him smile more and that give me hope that he feels the same.

I tried the Peruvian wine. It was good. I saw surfers and the wine isn't made far from there. Holy and mystical places close by, lots of work to be done, I could have found my home?

Here's the photos of the day. Sorry, lots but this is only a sample of what I took. We visited a museum in the house of a general who has an extensive Inca art collection.

Click on photo and look at the mountain. Hopefully you can read it!

Coffee table at our hotel and the mugs they serve the coca tea, Alex(Peru) and Joy discussing the contents of the table (rice, fava beans, corn, pinto beans, maize)

Loved the red chair but then saw handstand man and the Tibetans thought it should be my home. Just about "Fire and Ice" Restaurant...

Welcome to my new home!

I have a theory on this, The Incas apparently did brain surgery and much of their ceramics look like arteries within the heart to me, whereas the tribes closer to the sea look like squid hearts. We can't confirm yet but everyone thinks I am on to something. An archeologists care to confirm?

Check out Gils ears compared to the masks. Hmmm....

Don't freak mom, dad, and MM, but have a new nose ring collection to show you!

So what?

2008-11-08T16:21:00.007-11:00

We spent the day with my favorite teacher. 3.5 hours feels like 30 minutes and everyone participates. Our heads swim with the tough questions that I know even he grapples with; what is empowerment? what is the good life? what do we do as peace and reconciliation process? and always, so what?

Today we walked to Santo Domingo, partnered, assigned to speak for 7 minutes each about empowerment with the other listening and not speaking at all. Alex, my partner, is from Peru. Language is an issue as his english is very poor. It is why I chose him. He transitioned between spanish and english, discussing language as empowering or disempowering. It made me think of the continual argument in AZ about language. Just before I left, I met with Simon, one of the first people I met in my "community" who was a big help to me in meeting others to discuss the issues of the community. He told me he left because even though he is Latino, he doesn't speak Spanish fluently. His son was attending Wesley and was disadvantaged because the teachers were spending more time with the spanish speakers trying to catch them up to standards. He moved out of the community to give his son a better education opportunity. Language is apparently an issue everywhere.

Santa Domingo is the sight of the Inca Sun Temple. The Spainards destroyed it and stole the gold and silver adorning the temple. The walls that were built over the original Inca walls were uncovered during an earthquake in 1860. These walls are amazing and the engineering and spirituality that went into them is simply amazing. I was in awe throughout the entire tour which lasted close to 2 hours though the entire site shown to use isn't much bigger than Trinity Cathedral's complex of buildings.

Musician at Folklore dance

Weaver

Santa Domingo

What the Inca's saw (animals) in the Milkyway. I have a couple of friends who understand the significance of my attraction to this part of the exhibit.

Window (formerly covered in gold) built to be illuminated on June 21 annually for a special celebration. Hmmm... Could this be where Will Bruder got his inspiration for the Burton Barr library?

Ritual and Agricultural Inca calendars

Cusco viewed from Santa Domingo
As I stood on a balcony, having escaped my group, I took this photo and heard movement abaove me. I turned to see the priest and deacons moving from the convent to the church for the 6:30 pm mass. Their robes, black or white, flowing and swirling around them as they moved, was impressionable even for a non-catholic. One deacon stood looking out over the city, same as I had just been doing, but as he raised his hand to the railing, he was holding a red, leather bound Bible. There was something surreal about the moment. Maybe how different his and my path are but both in search of the Oneness that lives at the heart of spirituality.

Below are blocks- examples of the Inca's talents in engineering and creativity and logic

Below- this wall is almost vertical until the windows which then slopes inward. Walls are angled 3-14 degrees and they form a trapazoid. The blocks are very, very thick, perhaps a foot. The were build to withstand earthquakes and embrace the light throughout the year.

Our guide.

Peruvian soldier

Digi and Kristen

Alter believed to be used for summer solstice sacrifices

Reflections

Perfectly even windows

Digi and Joy looking at the straight lines with no mortor used

The moon rising over the temple

Altitude is something else

2008-11-07T15:22:00.002-11:00

Well, it has pretty much whupped our butts (my roomie is from West Virginia and I am regressing to the language of my Oklahoma roots, I am afraid). I feel sorry for those who have jet lag, too. We suffered through a long session today. However, the end result was a very fascinating conversation on the new system of administration for health care here in Peru compared to the United States. Here, doctors enter med school immediately after high school for a 7 year program. They then do a 1 year residency in a rural setting. They make about $12,000/year. In the public sector they receive a pension upon retiring and almost never get fired, even when they do not work hard (which apparently is problematic here). This new administrative system gives the ultimate decision making to the communities who are represented by one person into a general assembly, with a regional government rep, a health facility manager, and a few other positions. They decide how to use their money. Often, they have more specialists and nicer facilities (communities decision) which generates more support with provides more income which goes back into the health system. A general check-up is $4. (Compared to $40 I paid for my mom to go to a local clinica back in Phoenix).

My spanish isn't bad. I am getting by. Kristen, the other American and I, both speak about the same level and Gil from Mozembique speaks Portuguese which is close. Alex just showed up tonight and he's from this region. His english is about as good as my spanish, so that's always interesting.

Tonight, we went to the plaza and walked through some shops. There was a protest against the arch bishop at the church. Something about selling their church. Hmmmm...hasn't Phoenix gone through that in the past 5 years? The architecture is stunning around the plaza. There are lots of hills here and they are all lit up. It's pretty. It rained today but we were in class and had no windows. It felt refreshing to hear the thunder though. Well, I have reading to do before the morning and my head is pounding still. Not sure I'll sleep after about 10 cups of coca mate tea.

Bienvenitos a Cusco

2008-11-07T06:31:00.002-11:00

Well, I knew altitude would be a problem, but having had altitude sickness in Flagstaff I knew what to expect. You can feel the heart working harder. Our heads hurt, but the coca tea is so good. Taste good and makes you feel just a little...funny. We start classes in a few hours. The hotel is very nice and we are lucky to have wi-fi. I saw they have a bar and restuarant. I am hoping some of the wine, if not all, that was in the display case we passed when going to the room is Peruvian. I'd like to try some.

My heart is with the parents, children and teachers who are effected by the school building which collapsed in Haiti just an hour ago.

2008-11-06T14:40:00.003-11:00

Laura (standing in front of picture of the Shining Path) and Dan discussing terrorism in Peru

Lion's Breath mask

Lahm

What do you see in the VERY expensive piece of art? I saw a cross between Buddha and Sitting Bull, Lahm saw a flower which I then said, it could be a woman. Turns out my last guess was right.

Blood Gold

Blood Silver

Alex talking to "the spirits"

Lahm explaining to Rosario (tour guide) about Bhutan's sacred drinking vessels

Ad for the photo exhibit on the two decades of Peruvian violence (1980-2000)

There are dots in the water... SURFERS!!!! Guess what I want to do upon returning at the end of the month. If they can't find me, ya'll tell them where to look.

Our group came together over breakfast and of course spent two hours discussing Obama. Walked to the beach went to the museum, now should be doing homework, but you know...

First impression of Lima at 11:30 pm last night? Just like India but I can read more of the signs.

Second opinion of Lima in the morning? Just like Calcuta, India but I can read the signs, talk enough to communicate a tad and no sari's.

At lunch we ordered my food 5 times. Everyone else ate. I gave up and returned to the room to get one of the Special K protein water mixes I brought. I'd had french fries and part of Digi's salad so I wasn't starving. Drank half the water and the biggest veggie sandwich I have ever seen arrived. It was weird, too. Tomatoes, avacado, and egg salad on white bread sans crust. Good, but weird. Everyone is exhausted. It's chilly tonight. Tomorrow we leave for Cusco. It's a one hour flight. We see Machu Pichu on tuesday.

Today, going through the museo, Gil and I had a great talk about why large scale violence happens. He believes man is typically good and is influenced by the evils of the world. We talked about leaders- natural born and those who rise to the occasion in the absence of the right person. We talked about the building up of a movement (such as the Shining Path) and the breaking down to reach a place as an individual of knowing violence begets violence and leading to a more egalitarian society. It was fascinating and I'd wished we'd had many more hours to discus it. That's how it usually is on these months; great conversations begin but something distracts us and the moment never returns.

I better go study!

about those liberals...or a note from a socialist

2008-11-03T17:47:00.003-11:00

I am thankful the election is tomorrow and we can more forward. I think I may have seen a glimpse of both the best and the worst of our country over the past 21 months. I have been trying hard over the past month to understand why people are as passionate about McCane and Palin as I am about Obama. I don't agree with all of Obama's positions, but I agree with his interests. However, I can't see why the conservatives would ever possibly think those interests would be bad. Many of those conservatives are staunch "Christians". The main principles of Christianity os believing in Jesus, a man who said there are only two commandments: 1. Love God above all others, and 2. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. The same man who sat with the bottom of the barrel of the societies. So to call Obama and his supporters socialists as if it were a bad thing, is like saying Jesus was a bad man for not putting the rich first at the table.

Can we ever get beyond race? And bank accounts? And fear? I would have voted for McCain 4 years ago. But the past four with him as a Senator has taught me all I need to know. His divisive and racist running mate is a disgrace. He should be ashamed. I had hoped that more conversations about the real issues could have happened, but they have not.

I am not ashamed of wanting to help others have equal opportunities. What they choose to do with those opportunities is their choice. I know that we, as a country, are only as strong as the weakest link. We, the supposed strongest and wealthiest country in the world, should never have weak links because of a lack of opportunities for education and poverty eradication. If that makes me a socialist, so be it.

I hope that you will look at why you are making the choice you make tomorrow at the polls and really think through all of the ramifications of that choice. What do you believe in and why?

Drifting in the mystery wind

2008-11-01T17:13:00.003-11:00

Sailing the afternoon away
to find a place to anchor
A cove, secluded and protected
from the power boats
Anchoring in time
to toast the sunset
a canvas of pinks and golds
both above and reflect below
Watching as the first stars
join in the reflection
feasting on food
and the milky way
seven shooting stars
quite the auspicious number
to send me on my journey
wildlife surrounding
the wind arriving just as
the clocks chimes for All Saints
drifting and catching
a lullaby of chords and chains
waking to a new canvas
with new colors
and no wind for a moment
before sailing across
the lake
laughter
then patience
always patience as we practice
presence.

Positions over interests

2008-10-21T18:54:00.002-11:00

I have been trying to formulate a thought process these last few months. I do not want to be associated with a political party. I want to vote for the person who I feel can best represent the widest range of views in this very diverse country with as much compassion, temperance, and transparency as possible. To find an individual who has made no mistakes or represents the views of all would be impossible. Yet, how do I say what I am thinking and why I am thinking it without adding to the divisiveness that is presently tearing our country in two?

I recently attended a talk about negotiating with fear. The speaker, Richard Burke, talked about trying to negotiate by understanding a persons interests behind their position. This made sense to me; why do you believe in this and what do you get/want out of it? I was thinking about how unsettled the United States is at this time. For 7 long years, we have been a nation driven by fear. What are we afraid of, though? Terrorists? Losing our freedom? Are we afraid of each other? If we choose to vote for someone because they are "likable" or "like myself", then I have to wonder ultimately, what do we get from that vote and representation? I would like to know that if I am choosing someone to lead, they should be more intelligent, hopefully wiser, certainly more level headed than I. Most congenial is not as important as a leader who knows who they are leading and are willing to listen and learn from the wisdom of the masses.

Ultimately, I would like someone who takes the responsibility of their position seriously. While it is important to not takes one's self too seriously, laughing about hunting and gun shots while accusing another of terrorism is as frightening to me as the fundamental intolerance behind terrorism. While many of us have made off color remarks and thought critically of another because they are different from our self, the intolerance, racism and bigotry that is rooted in our current culture needs to be seriously examined regardless of who wins our presidential election. I cannot begin to express how scared I am that one group would be so afraid of losing that they would hurl accusations at the other side that under the current climate could easily have deadly ramifications. That is insensitive, irresponsible, and just plain stupid.

I casted my voted today and I am very comfortable with my choice. I am open to discussions about my interests that led to my positions and hope to understand better the interests behind positions opposite of mine. I would venture to say they are not so different, yet the positions we take drive us further apart each and everyday.

Just a sunday run

2008-10-19T14:13:00.002-11:00

In 1998, a guy I was sating convinced me doing a marathon would be a great idea. As a certified walking coach, there was no thought about how I would do it, walking all 26.2. I raised money for Team in Training and walked each and every mile through Hawaii. It was long and hard. So long that it took as long to walk that as it did to fly from Dallas to Hawaii!

Five years later, another guy convinced me to run a marathon. I was no runner. By many peoples standards, nothing has changed. I trudged through the training having some great conversations with my running partners. Thinking back, I am not sure we had a single conversation that didn't at least once include sex as a topic! Even through that marathon, I did not consider myself as a runner.

That moment changed on a plane between Oklahoma and Arizona, returning from my grandfather's funeral. I just wanted to stop the plane and run the rest of the way back. That was when I really started to somewhat enjoy running.

Today, I finished my 3rd half marathon. As a pace leader for the "walking" group, I tried hard to help people transition (when possible) to walk/jog. However, there was a group out today that had not trained and ended up walking a LARGE chunk of that distance. I hurt so incredibly bad. It was hot (95 degrees) and the longer we were out, the harder it got. I was wondering how i had ever walked double that distance. I took the opportunity to run in the last 1/2 mile. My body, though very tired and sore at that point, felt free. It hurt less (well, my lungs were a little cranky) and just felt really good to be moving.

I envy the runners who can do 8 minute miles or less. I'll never be one of them, but I am so incredibly grateful for each and every step I run and the feeling of going the distance is simply amazing.

How to lose 18 days

2008-10-17T18:34:00.002-11:00

Not that many people read this these days, but I have heard from one recently when precisely the last time I posted. I have been working as much as possible to earn as much as possible legally trying to prepare for a month out of the country. On a good day, I get to view my life for the insane blessing that it is- world travel, a dream job, good friends and family, good health. Then, on a regular day, I wonder how the hell I managed to get here? I question every ability and responsibility I have. In a way it's humorous, but mostly pathetic. At 37, my biggest goal is to just make peace with myself; to wake up everyday and just be happy, to laugh more, to be kind, to love and be loved, to do good as often as I can and when I can't, to just be compassionate. Most days, it feels so far away. I judge others and myself, I worry, I doubt, I'm jaded and cynical, I do things half-assed more often than not. I can cook well, but cleaning and sewing are not skills I have honed. It's frustrating because I know I can be better than I am. I think most of us fall into that category. The worst part is that I know I have a choice each and every minute to be happy and more often than not, I chose otherwise. I put in my time for graduate school and try to keep my business afloat. The price is my writing and meditation. In those pure moments though, I find peace between the thoughts and I cherish those times because it is what keeps me going.

What starts from a wish...

2008-09-30T10:03:00.005-11:00

Yesterday, one of my fellow students sent a wonderful, warm wish:

"On the occasion of Eid-ul-Fitre (the great religious festival of Muslims), I would like to convey my heartiest greetings to you all ! Hope the Eid will bring new hopes and aspirations to shape the world! Eid Mubarak!!!"

What I immediately thought of for my hopes and aspirations was peace. Yet, during the Presidential candidate debates a few days prior, I started questioning what it would take to bring peace to places of unrest and what peace really means? Is it simply nonviolence?

With these thoughts racing through my head as I raced to teach my yoga class, I decided to open it up for a discussion. I listened while they defined what peace meant to them, where nonviolence begins, and what role love plays in all of this. I shared that while, yes, I do believe that peace starts within the self, that perhaps peace is a result of many other things, not the least of all love, respect, dignity, compassion, generosity, and basic security (educational, shelter, food and water). Our meditation revolved around their vision of peace and sending that out into the world.

Then, this morning in my meditation group, we had the most appropriate quote to meditate on:

"The first peace comes within the souls of men when they realize their relationship, their oneness, with the universe and all its powers. The second peace is that which is made between two individuals and the third is that which is made between two nations." -Black Elk

It is hard not to see the serendipity of it all. I am grateful to my friend for his warm wishes which trickled through to many, many others he will never know, but have been touched by his soul.

International Day of Peace

2008-09-21T12:04:00.006-11:00

Today we celebrated at Trinity Cathedral the International Day of Peace with a temporary display of my peace crane mobiles and a basket of peace cranes made of recycled magazine ads (take a crane, leave a donation for the Millennium Development Goals). The prayers were centered around peace, including the Prayers of the People:

General Intercessions and for the International Day of Peace

Reader: In faith, and with persistence, we ask God to listen as we say, “God, hear our prayer and move us to action.”
All: God, hear our prayer and move us to action.

Reader: Let us pray not to be silent as we seek to encourage world leaders to replace the politics of war with the politics of peace and say ...
All: God, hear our prayer and move us to action.

Reader: Let us pray not to be silent as we seek to assist in conserving God’s earth and nurturing its people and say ...
All: God, hear our prayer and move us to action.

Reader: Let us pray not to be silent as we seek to work toward alleviating patterns of unbridled consumption that lead to unendurable poverty and say ...
All: God, hear our prayer and move us to action.

Reader: Let us pray not to be silent as we seek to show a love that can create a more just and peaceful world and say ...
All: God, hear our prayer and move us to action.

Reader: Let us pray not to be silent as we seek to urge each other to work tirelessly to promote Gospel values and say ...
All: God, hear our prayer and move us to action.

Reader: Let us pray for the needs of this congregation

Especially those in need. . . . .
Especially in thanksgiving for the birthdays of. . .

Reader: Let us pray to be lead from death to life, from falsehood to truth, from despair to hope, from fear to trust, from hate to love, from war to peace, now and ever more.
All: God, hear our prayer

Celebrant: God, who make peace and harmony in the heavenly spheres, send us your Spirit of peace, understanding and patience, so that one day soon, all people will live in harmony, with trust and confidence in your message. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

Park(ing) Day

2008-09-21T11:14:00.003-11:00

2008 National Park(ing) Day

What a fun opportunity to bring attention to The Trust for Public Lands. My friend, Greg, and the company he works for converted two parking spots into a mini park on Friday, September 19. www.tpl.org/parkingday

Character flaws

2008-09-15T17:01:00.002-11:00

My character was called into question today. I find it a bit ironic as I have found my mind wandering more frequently since the democratic and republican national conventions to the question, "How do we know we are right?"

I agree with Ekhart Tolle who believes there is no right and wrong, only ego. We make choices because, really, there are always options. Sometimes, we enter into a situation with our intent in the right place, but wake up one day realizing, this just was not the best decision for me. Try as we might to approach that difficult place with compassion and love, sometimes, we find no amount of love in the world is going to work out the problem. If, however, we love ourselves enough, we will do what is right for our self, even if that means someone else is hurt. I don't like this. I wish it did not have to be that way, yet on rare circumstances, it is what it is. However, we have probably all (or will all) be involved in some form of a relationship, professional or personal, where we stay far too long in something that we know is wrong for your spirit.

I think about this on a world level. Especially with war. There simply are no winners. At best, one side makes a point and a change for the better occurs. Better, however, is subjective, viewed from the filters of individual to individual, which can vastly be argued. I wonder if we went into all relationships with the honesty to say, "Hey, this is working or this sucks for me and here's why", if war could be avoided? Could terrorism be avoided if fundamentalist secs could have the opportunity to sit down over a meal and have that discussion. Can you imagine? Let's say Osama sat down with ol' George W and said, "You know, your country has made, in my opinion, some very poor decisions and here is how my country, my family, my friends have been so negatively effected that I can convinced a bunch of guys to hijack planes and fly them into your World Trade Center." And let's say Bush were intelligent and compassionate enough to respond with, "Well, I hear ya, but here's our side of it all." What would have happened? What would happen if you and I could sit down with the head of Exxon and say, "Ya know, I get it that you want to be amazingly, filthy rich and you're willing to do that at all cost, but how much money do you really need? And are you willing to take a cut, invest back into alternative fuels, taxes, and local communities hardest hit by high fuel costs?" What an interesting conversation that could be. But it won't happen.

You know why it won't happen? Because we, you and I and everyone potentially reading this, are selfish and protective of our feelings and so we won't be 100% honest and respectful 100% of the time. I propose we aim for 80%, though. That's all. It'll be tough, but we are working on that compassion thing anyway, so we will be forgiving with the mistakes. Let us try to understand each others unique, and sometimes wacky, requests. Even if we cannot honor the request itself, perhaps we can at least respect it. After all, isn't that the sincerest form of love?

Objective viewing

2008-09-12T09:36:00.003-11:00

I have been trying to watch the McCain campaign since the convention. In full disclosure, I voted for Obama in the primary. Now, I want to make the most objective decision as possible when voting this November. I am fascinated by journalist lack of ability to pull up the real information on both of these candidates.

I want to know their opinions and how they proposal to accomplish what they believe on some basic issues:
1. Iraq: How are we going to leave? How do we work best with the local communities to develop security, economic and otherwise? How do we best support the soldiers returning home that will most definitely be dealing with physical and mental consequences of fighting a war?
2. Foreign Policy: How do each propose to improve the world's view on the United States? How do they proposal to tackle the root of terrorism? What is their view on foreign aid? What role do we play in the global market?
3. Health Care: How will the be reformed in a way that makes health care available to all? How do they propose dealing with the obesity epidemic? How will the pharmaceutical and insurance lobbyist be excluded in decisions on health care? Will women have the right to make their own decision about their body from birth control to abortion to cancer?
4. Education: What will each do to insure that students receive the best possible education? How will they deal with teacher unions that support teacher apathy? What do they think about standardized testing? How will they improve literacy rates? How will they make college more affordable and accessible? What are their views on physical education, arts, and sex education?
5. Economy: How do they each propose to deal with our staggering deficit? What do they propose to strengthen it for future generations?
6. Environment: How do they propose to make the US the leaders in environmental technology? What will they do to strengthen the environment and protect endangered species? What are their views on food and water security?

I am perplexed why I continue to hear McCain talk about his environmental policies when his "hometown" has been cited for poor air quality by the EPA for several years now. If we talk about earmarks, let's hear what Arizona and Illinois received from their Senators.

I do not care who has the most experience, because frankly, this is not the kind of job you are groomed for and work your way up the career ladder. I want to know what they are committed to doing in the first 150 days in office. Likewise, I want to know the same about their VP choices because, God forbid, if anything happened to the President, that is who will be running the country.

No speech writers, no campaign teams, no media. Let's to an elevator test. It's where you have only the length of an elevator ride to pitch your great idea to the most powerful person who could make it a reality. In this case, the two gentleman at a cafe drawing a random topic out of a hat and having 5 minutes to respond, three dvd recorders held by a kids under 18 and the results posted on YouTube. But that will never happen, just like we'll never really know what they'll do in office because both are trying to please the masses rather than doing what is right.

Who is Sarah Palin?

2008-09-03T15:57:00.003-11:00

The woman who preaches about "smaller government" while advocating pro-life. Who cares for all of the children born into families who do not have the means to care for the child themselves? In Arizona, we call it the Department of Economic Security. The woman who differentiates herself from a bulldog because she wears lipstick. She is the one who grew up in Alaska, married an oil employee, and touts drilling in Alaska. Full of many wise cracks and sarcasm, with minimal substance to back it up.

Listen, I am tired of both parties claiming they will change things up in Washington if elected. Man, I have been alive during enough campaigns to have heard that rhetoric before and let's see...has it ever happened? No. The reality is not much will change. Certainly the two Republican candidates are more closely aligned with the current administration, but at this point, our country is so incredibly divided that we cannot have an intelligent conversation about what we want America to be and represent. We cannot get beyond the argument of, "I am right and you are wrong".

The reality is, if elected as Vice President, Mrs. Palin will likely be president long before she has a chance to finish her term. This has made me think long and hard about what I believe about motherhood and feminism. Too many mother's have had to work while their child was growing up. There is much guilt associated with that. Raising a child with special need is even more challenging. What happens when she is in a foreign country, negotiating nuclear arms or terrorism and something happens to her child. What is really going through her husbands mind as he prepares to be a full-time father? And, really, 17 and getting married? Come on, marriage is hard enough without the entire world watching. Who will step in and help the teen parents if one of the mothers is off running the world? It was a tad embarrassing when her kids did not laugh at her jokes.

Further, what on earth is going on with the sudden McCain support? This is the man I have heard more people swear off than any other Republican candidate (other than maybe Ron Paul).

Is it too late for John Daily and Warren Buffet to run?

A trip to Vermont

2008-08-28T15:18:00.004-11:00

@ a turnoff to see the view, I spy the best signs on a building...

Casey picking "fall" for me...
Hops gropwing on the deck @ Longtrail

to make this goodness...mom and daughter @ Longtrail
self-portrait while freezing in 70 degree weather and slightly hippied out

The goldfish symdrome

2008-08-23T15:25:00.002-11:00

My best friend of 25 years is teaching me, yet again. She has a way of forgetting that she describes as the goldfish syndrome; every time she "swims into the little plastic house, it's a whole new world". While she admittedly understands this syndrome is problematic for those around her who rely on her, it allows her to remain remarkably peaceful. She reminded me multiple times in the 48nhours that I have been in Vermont that life is so much easier once she learned to let go. This lesson comes at an appropriate time in my life where doors are beginning to close on the familiar, a rather frightening perspective for this woman who has spent most of her life afraid of abandonment. Yet, the is a deep calm within as I know (thought I don't know how I know) that I am on the right path. I am honored and thrilled at the little confirmations that as Dory in "Finding Nemo" sang, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." Today was no exception to these little reminders, coming in, of course, 3's!
1. As the workshop that I was leading worked on the Vision Boards, my eyes kept returning to a magazine sitting in the middle of a huge pile, in the center of our circle. There was nothing special, but something told me to make a new board. Earlier in the day, we had been doing an exercise to prioritize our goals/dreams and I was using some things I had jotted down for myself as an example. Surfing continued to come up. As I flipped through the teen mag (my goddaughter generously donated her collection), I saw a few beach and surfing images, but as I reached the half way point, I realized, the last half of the magazine was dedicated to girl surfing theme. Surfing as been a HUGE component of all my dreams and passions for the past 3 years and a smaller component for most of my life!
2. One of the women in the class paid a very lovely compliment to me at the end of the workshop. She thanked me to being genuine and living what I am teaching.
3. My friend and goddaughter went to bed early tonight. Having a 3 hour time difference, I couldn't bring myself to go to sleep at 5:30 pm PST. I searched through their enormous collection of dvd's and found one. I have been wanting to watch "I Am Legend" since it was at the box office. I have heard only that "it's really good", but no details. Since India, I have been on a big Bob Marley kick. It intensified this summer. So when I heard the first few chords, I recognized the song and got a chuckle...."Say you don't worry, about a thing, cause every little thing's gonna be alright". The main character tells a story about Bob Marley, "One day he was scheduled to perform at a peace concert, gunmen came to his house and shot him down. Two days later he walked out on that stage and sang. Somebody asked him why, he said it was the people who were trying to make this world worse never took a day off, so how can I? How can I light up the darkness?" An underlying theme to the movie was to listen to the messages we get when we silence enough to hear them.

In this very quiet house, in a very quiet town tonight I am hearing a message.

Can't see but can cry

2008-08-10T17:01:00.003-11:00

I had corrective surgery the other day in my right eye and have been struggling to see. I type now with it closed. Not being able to read, I have spent a great deal of time watching movies this weekend. Tonight I finally watched "The Kingdom". The last two lines made me sob. Maybe it's the experiences I have been able to have and witness from, thank God, the outside. Maybe it's just the shear truth of it all. Maybe it's mourning the countless number of lives lost of those that have tried to make a change. The death and the hatred just all seems so damn pointless. And for what? Oil? Land? We go to war in the name of democracy, but does history not teach us that the land we live now was stolen? Is anyone else out there seeing the hypocrisy? And now, just when we think we might have a glimmer of hope for something different, our country screams for change and simultaneously fears it so much that the one shot we had is not changing his mind on issues that made him stand out? Perhaps that is just the way it is, say what you can to get elected and HOPE you can do something once you are there. It does not work, though. So here we go again: more hatred, more terrorism, more poverty, more disease, more wealth off the backs of the rest. Shouldn't we want someone who does not have experience with that? Isn't that how change is instigated; with big ideas, energy and lack of fear?

Watch "The Kingdom" and have some conversations with people from other countries. It's time to start talking instead of blaming. Until we realize who the loser's in the wars really are, we'll just keep losing.

The "Bad American"

2008-08-10T16:32:00.001-11:00

I was recently forwarded an email that caused a reaction similar to the nails on a chalkboard. Perhaps it was the nature of the email or maybe just who sent it happens to be one of my biggest supporters in my quest for human rights and social justice. This person responded to my “tirade” by comparing my thoughts to George Carlin. I took it as a compliment and wanted to expound just a little more. Please read the original email first.

“YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN

I Am the Liberal-Progressives Worst Nightmare.
I am an American.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you an American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to..

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you!

So, shut up already.

I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!
This is AMERICA .

If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.
Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license.

I think it's good.... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.

I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA !

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

We want our country back!
We NEED GOD BACK IN OUR COUNTRY!

WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE,
ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE”

Now for my thoughts…
I am about tired of hearing the crap on illegal this and illegal that when everyday I watch people speeding, running yellow lights, cheating on their taxes, and HIRING undocumented workers.

Owning a gun only makes you a killer if you use it to take another life, which includes animals. Being a majority does not automatically give anyone the right to exploit, just as being a minority does not instantly provide rights or create victims. Nor does being a minority equate being poor. In 2004, over 75% of minorities were not accessing federal assistance.

Quit bitching about how fat you are, your diabetes and heart disease when you buy not only yourself but your kids and grandkids bitching BIG MACS! I don't particularly care what language they are sold in, they're killing those who eat them! If you want to make poor lifestyle behavior decisions such as eating crap, smoking, drinking, and not being physically active, that is your choice. We are in America. However, since “Bad Americans” want to keep all their hard earned money, you will PAY for your shitty lifestyle choices through much, much higher insurance premiums depending on how poor are your choices. Us “good Americans” no longer want to pay for your medications, doctors visits, and surgeries.

We agree on one thing, I believe everyone has the right to pray to their own God when and wherever they want to and it does not matter of that God is Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, or any other. Are you willing to be all-accepting. (pssst…remember, your “Lord and Savior” told you to love your neighbor as yourself).

What about heroes who actually did something to merit admirations? Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Neil Armstrong, Albert Einstein, Amelia Earhart, just to name a few?

I am trying to change my country and I am from here. I’d like to have a well-educated youth, healthy communities, eradicated poverty, and so much more. It is not easy when so many people know so little about what is happening just around the corner of their front porch let alone the rest of the world. You may not be watching Jerry Springer, but you’re probably not watching much to increase your knowledge, either. I don’t need to move to a socialist country to want what our founding fathers wanted when they wrote the Declaration of Independence, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.”

Why point out Jesse Jackson? What about all of the priest and preachers that have wrestled with their own demons, greed, and abuse? Have you forgotten them? They are certainly no more a part of the solution than Mr. Jackson.

I wish the cops would pull MORE people over who are breaking the law, but alas, they don’t have the budgets to have enough police on the roads in most places because far too many people are not paying their share of taxes!!

What good does voting do when our leaders are so highly influenced by corporations and their lobbyists? Iraq nor the United States nor the terrorist nor the Afghani’s will win these wars we fight with each other. The winners will be the businesses and the people who have profited so highly from them. The losers will be the countless generations who follow, rather that be through debts or shear hatred for lives stolen. The families of the servicemen and women who will never see their loved ones again. The servicemen and women who survive only to have inadequate health care, nightmares, and memories of atrocities that most of us (fortunately) will never, ever understand. I support our troops. That is precisely why I don’t support this war. It is why I will do everything I can to always offer a safe space that maybe, possibly will plant and grow a seed of inner peace…if that is possible.

How can you possibly feel guilty about making a donation? That is unless you know it’s the right thing to do and you turn your head because you don’t want to part with those hard-earned dollars. Hmmm…let me ask you this, what would Jesus do?

It does take a village to raise a child. Do you know why? Sometimes, for any number of reasons, there are not two parents. Even when there are, often times, those parents need help. Sometimes, parents are not mentally or physically or financially stable. Sometimes, they are abusive. Abusive is often generational.

Illegal is illegal. Now, how many laws have you broken this week?

If the American flag is the only one allowed in America, what about the other 50 states? POW flags? Armed forces? College universities? If this is the rule you choose, then our flag should not be flown in any other country. Think about that next time you try to order a Big Mac in English outside of our borders. You know, Bad American, you really have a point, though, with these flags. Let’s start by removing the Canadian flags. Or is it just the flags of those countries with skin darker than yours?

I am tired of hearing, pro-gun, pro-war, pro-death penalty and pro-life. What a fucking contradiction! Same people who are pro-life are typically anti-welfare and pro- no child left behind...which has left FAR too many children behind.

Why on earth would someone link God and money and feel GOOD about that? You want to keep all the money you make? Fine. Then let's stop ALL subsidies and tax-paid programs which, I should remind all "bad Americans" include the postal service, health care, roads, schools, police and fire departments, agriculture, libraries, and the list goes on.

You say you want our country back. Back from whom? The government? The corporations? Yourself? Why don’t you look up a poem by Langston Hughes written in 1938 called “Let America Be America”. You might find that America has always been an idea. Granted, she is an idea that brings so many to her shore every year in hope of living the dream she promises, causes men and women to take up arms in defense of her liberty, and cause the heart to burst with the pride of her flag, but she is simply an idea. Remember, this land was stolen from a people far greater than you and I.

No is the time to honor our history and create the story and vision with which we want to move forward. Is it possible to do this with love and compassion, even for those we do not like? Is it possible to strive for equality for all, education for all? Is it possible to take back our health from the convenience and marketing we have fallen prey to for decades? Is it possible to live the life of truth that Jesus, Allah, Buddha taught? Or shall we continue to pray to our dollar because it has the word God on it? It is, of course your choice. Let us not label bad or good and just strive to be American, shall we?

avoiding homework

2008-07-30T16:10:00.002-11:00

I had the oddest experience today. Sometimes I just don't believe in God, but today I do. Two days ago, I shared with my aunt that I was really having a struggle since I have been home from my last residential. I shared this with a friend just last night. It feels as if I don't fit in my own life anymore. It, oddly enough, is not a bad feeling, simply dis-ease. I feel like I have changed and I am headed in the right direction, but I am not quite in sync with this path that is unfolding for me; almost like I am running slightly ahead or behind the rest of my life. Weird, I know. I am been thinking about friends that just do not fit...or exist...anymore and what does it all mean? Then, sitting, as I do almost every weekday now, at my favorite cafe alternating between work, school, and play, my former spiritual mentor walked in for a meeting. Afterwards, he came and we talked. The last time we saw each other was over two years ago and I was crying over a man who did not really deserve my tears. About 20 minutes into the talk he said, you look really happy and at peace. I shared with him how I had been feeling and in his perfect way, he just smiled and said he understood but offered no advice.

Driving away from the cafe, I started looking for a cd with a Nine Inch Nails song I wanted to hear. Instead, I found a totally different treasure with the song, "Southern Cross". I have always liked this song and in the past two years, ironically during the time of those tears, the song has taken different meanings for me, as it did again today. I often get lyrics wrong and tonight I looked these up.

Think about how many times
I have fallen
Spirits are using me
larger voices callin'.
What heaven brought you and me
Cannot be forgotten.
I have been around the world,
Lookin' for that woman/girl,
Who knows love can endure.
And you know it will.
And you know it will.
When you see the Southern Cross
For the first time
You understand now
Why you came this way
'Cause the truth you might be runnin' from
Is so small.
But it's as big as the promise
The promise of a comin' day.

I have played a small hand in trying to get back into the dating scene recently. I have such high expectations that it is difficult to even find a gene pool worth wading in. I think the lines about "I have been around the world, looking for that woman/girl, who knows love can endure" is true for me. I want someone with some fire in their belly, compassion in their heart, a deep well of patience, independence and respect for such quality, the desire to communicate even if the ability is still developing, insatiable chemistry, who loves quality in food, entertainment, and life. Someone who wants to give a lot back, but has enough to have fun with. I'm all about living simply and working in the poorest corners of the world, but I would not mind a first class flight, clean bathroom with a real shower, and soft sheets when we leave. I want someone that can engage my mind as well as my soul and body. I want to fight fairly and have fun making up. I did I mention easy on my eyes? (laugh). I do not know that such prince charming exists. If he does and has an accent then he scores bonus points. If he does, he "knows it will".

Silly me to keep hoping for such a person when I have such a full plate now. What would I do with him anyway? Oh, honey, by the way I will be away for a month in Peru. You don't mind wait for me, do you? Hell, some of my "friends" didn't even want to do that! Alas, I have wasted enough of our time avoiding this homework. Back to playing the dynamic role in my life.

Three's

2008-07-23T18:49:00.002-11:00

It's a funny thing about three's in my life. Call it superstitious, but I strongly believe if something comes to me three times, someone/thing is sending me a message and I had better pay attention.

Today, two different three's came to fruition. The first was a song. maybe someone would like to play "name that tune" (and its significance) by a line or two from the song:
Circus life
Under the big top world
We all need the clowns
To make us smile
What should be the prize if someone can guess that AND get the bonus question? And what, prey tale, message is this song giving me? More importantly, why bother? Silence, my friends, speaks louder than words.

The second was a tv series that leaves me thinking of the great Shakespeare line, "What a tangled web we weave". That makes me think of signs. Now you know a sign would not be posted unless some dumbass did the very thing the sign says not to do. Even back in Shakespeare's time, people must have been weaving those dark, secretive lives in between the ones for which we want to be remembered.

I wonder what else the universe has for me this week in the three category?

What the teacher learned

2008-07-20T12:08:00.001-11:00

While in India, I learned about a “camp” for young adults that develops “social change agents”. I fell in love with the concept and thought it could work in the community I am working with in Phoenix. I took the idea to the clinic and youth services directors who both also liked the idea. Now I had to figure out how to modify and develop this in such a way that it would work for a much younger audience. I sent out a call for help within my yoga community for referrals to experts in one of four areas. The response was tremendous, but one person in particular was simply a Godsend.

Cara and I had done our yoga certification together and have worked together on and off for several years. I knew she is a social worker specializing in youth, but I did not know she was a facilitator for the Anytown USA camps (www.anytownarizona.org). She helps guide me as I begin the process of writing. In my initial draft, the focus would be on:
1. my feelings
2. my body
3. my environment
4. my place in the world
The feedback from all involved was tremendous and it shifted by the second draft to:
1. how I identify myself
2. stereotyping and bullying
3. sexual boundaries and identities
4. environmentalism
5. my place in the world

After approval from the directors of the second draft, it was presented to the counselors who would be working with the summer program. I knew that without their complete buy-in, this program would not be successful; they are the frontline and direct communication liaison to both the youth and parents/guardians. Surprisingly, they overwhelmingly supported it. Their excitement and support could have been historic. One even asked if we could expand the program for the whole summer.

I knew I would be gone for two months for my residential, so I tried to tie up as many loose knots as possible before leaving, but one was impossible. The youth director announced she would be leaving. I had no idea what effect this would have on the summer program, but I knew there would be some. Fortunately, her replacement was someone I had worked with before I gained his full support instantly.

During the residential, I was given approval to use this as my practicum work. With some of the classes I attended, I was able to make modification on the program that would solidify the research component better. The final program would be five days in length, 2 hours each day for ages 9-13. The five topics would be:
1. how I identify myself and others
2. anti-bullying and stereotyping
3. gender stereotypes
4. global interconnectedness
5. goal setting, network development, and how to implement what was learned

When I returned, I had several problems to contend with. The enrollment for the summer program dropped by more than half. The after-school policy of allowing the child to check himself/herself in and out of the program each day continued into the summer. There was no opportunity to speak directly with parents/guardians about the program, so I did not have a strong base to use in my research project for school. There was no way to make sure the participants would attend everyday. A couple of the participants would be leaving mid-week for residential camp.

Once the camp began, I learned so much from the youth who were supposed to learn from me!

1. The educational system is failing these kids. Many struggled with reading, vocabulary and writing, though almost all said they enjoyed math and art.
2. 100% of the participants identified themselves as Mexican-American, Latino/a, Chicano/a, or Mexican. 2/3 live in two parent households and very few identified with having a parent with an addiction. More than half have or have had family members in prison.
3. Almost all of the participants were comfortable telling an adult about being bullied
4. The list of words used to describe “Mexican-American” that they “never wanted to hear again” was long, but the one that stood out for me was “lazy”.
5. The boys completely expect the woman to be in charge of all household duties/chores, raise and care for the kids while the girls felt boys/men are often expected to be alcoholics and/or drug addicts with violent nature.
6. They believed that their actions do not affect others in the rest of the world. They did not know where most of the countries were (and many had never heard of some) where their shirts and shoes they were wearing that day were made.
7. Many did not have any goals beyond high school but did understand the value of getting good grades. However, based on their writing and reading skills, I am surprised at the grades they are achieving.
8. They have little positive influences outside of their own community. A few struggle with finding positive influences inside their community.
9. More than anything, these kids want to be kids and don’t often have the space to really do that. They are very connected to their electronics and the ones who do not play sports are struggling with obesity.
10. They identify with movies more than life. Over and over, “Oh, I saw this movie about…” as a way of sharing in the conversation rather than drawing from life experiences.

I am still processing what exactly to do with what I learned. For now, I am letting it sink in and will carry it with me into meditation and listen to where I am guided. I don’t know what impact was made on the kids in the time we spent together, but I know they made an enormous impact on me!

Who is this girl?!

2008-07-19T03:22:00.003-11:00

Recently, as I wrote previously, I had to forcefully ask someone to leave my life. A friend of mine said, "Don't get mad at what I am about to say, but you know this is all your fault, right?" I laughed. I knew where he was going with it. He went on to list all my fabulous qualities and why wouldn't someone be drawn so drastically to someone with such light? Ha. Ha. Ha. It has made for an interesting process of thought as I meet people and think down the road to if I do want a partner, what would the person be like? A had an offer for a "free astrology report" and with a few extra minutes and a need for a goo laugh, I thought, why not? What I got could not be more accurate. For those of you who want to know a little more about the person behind the words, read on (some commentary is included in color).

While you usually come across tactfully and diplomatically, you can be surprisingly blunt and direct too, especially when people get to know you on more than a superficial basis. Perhaps your gift is to say some very honest and candid things in a way that will not alienate people. Or, you may vacillate between being gracious and "telling it like it is". Hmmm...I've never been accused of that!

You are a gambler more on life than at the casino...unless its other people's money and an adventurer at heart, one who loves to take risks which always gets me in trouble, to discover and explore new worlds (sigh...India), and to take the untried path rather than the safe, reliable one which also always gets me in trouble. You are an independent soul, freedom-loving, and often very restless. You need a lifestyle that provides opportunities for travel, movement, change and meeting new people. A steady routine, which offers much in the way of security but little in the way of space and freedom, is odious to you.

To you, life is a journey, an adventure, endlessly interesting and rich with possibilities, and it may be difficult for you to decide where to focus your attention and efforts. You probably traveled around and experimented with many different paths before you settled on a particular career. Or you may go from one project to the next, for once the challenge and vital interest is gone, you are very quick to move on. Commitment, discipline, focus and concentration are not your strong points. You can be irresponsible and disinclined to take on the burdens and limitations of adult life. no comment

An incurable optimist, you have big dreams, aspirations, and hopes for the future and are usually pursuing some distant goal. You have a great deal of faith and trust in life and failures don't crush your spirit. You always bounce back from disappointments, often with another bright dream or scheme. You have a sporting, playful attitude toward life and are philosophical about your mistakes. You have the ability to sense future trends, to see the big picture, and you like to theorize and speculate. However, attending to all of the details and practical requirements of implementing your theories is bothersome to you. so true. I should be working on 3 different projects as I am writing this!

You express yourself in a very open, direct, and straightforward manner and are often blunt and tactless as well. Because you do not take yourself too seriously, you may not realize how deeply your candid statements can wound more sensitive souls. In fact, though you may not realize it, your insensitivity and lack of understanding regarding others' feelings is probably one of your worst faults. I do know and for those of you reading that I have hurt, I am so sorry and truly, well I guess it is my fault but the intention was not to harm.

You do enjoy friendship and camaraderie, but you need freedom also and do not do well with a possessive, clinging, or emotionally demanding partner. You are quite generous yourself, and heartily dislike pettiness in others. Someone who shares your ideals, your sense of fun and your zest for life would be the right companion for you. Does this person actually exist?! Wait, he does, but are there any others that can handle the above paragraph?

The urge to learn and to communicate is essential to you, and you express yourself very well through writing, teaching or sharing ideas and information. You are persuasive and fluent with language. Thank you.

Restless and inquisitive, you enjoy being mobile and taking short trips and excursions in order to see for yourself what is going on in the world around you. Yeah, LaJolla next week. Anyone up for a roadtrip to Flag soon?

You are intensely willful, zealous, and fanatical, though often you hide the intensity of your feelings and your personal motives and desires.Working on this...if for nothing else to direct it more in a healthy direction. You have an infatuation with power and an almost compulsive desire for personal recognition, the desire to be Somebody. true You tend to worship Heroes who have powerful personal magnetism and charisma, and often seek to emulate them. Is it bad to want to be MLK, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Ami (hugging guru), Mohamad Yunus, the Dahli Lahma, Angelina Jolie? You also have both a fear of, and an intense fascination with, death and the hidden, secret, dark side of life. Sure, why not? We will all die. Since I spend so much time focusing on "the light" side I need to know the opposite, too. Ying and yang, baby!

The Itch

2008-07-17T15:58:00.003-11:00

I want to write. I want to write really bad. However, a slight bout of food poisoning, the drama of filling an injunction against harassment (why can't people just let go? It's like Sex in the City said, "He's just not that into you."), school, work, and putting on a camp has me completely wiped. The funny thing is my mind is fully on and wanting to do more, more, more.

I am faced with the irony of telling someone get out of my life while trying with all my might to follow my own advice and contacting someone else who, quite obviously just isn't that into me. It's pretty funny, actually. Meanwhile, I am working on being committed to the truth; compassionately telling people what I think and feel so there are no surprises. I suppose it's impossible to expect others to have the same commitment, yet I also believe whole heartedly that we attract like energy.

I want to feel well enough to sleep through the night and only need 5 or 6 hours of sleep, to wake up and meditate, my hip stop hurting enough to exercise. I came back from my residential with all these grand ideas and goals, but I feel more like I am on a treadmill with no control over the speed. Yet, I am happy.

Stay tuned, the camp ends tomorrow and there will be an update coming. The kids have been amazing and I have learned as much as they have. It has been fun.

The planets aligned and God said...

2008-07-10T18:42:00.002-11:00

Let there be rain. Amen, amen, hallelujah!

Maybe I should back up. Except, there is just so much to say that where do i begin. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Yeah, that sums it up.

I was thinking, if Iran is so pissed with us about Israel and terrorist about various other things, all of which boils down to foreign aid, then i have a simple solution. For two years, we stop. We invest 100% of that money into education, small scale farms, and alternative fuel projects. Let the rest of the world figure it out on their own because beyond money (which we don't really have), we have NO answers. it's time to invest in ourselves; to delevop the crazy assed ideas from the grassroots that just might save the world from herself (as if she needed our help). Or maybe, more appropriately, it buys us a bit more time in this glorious place.

About the same time, I was thinking, what the hell am I doing? This community I am so hellbend on saving from the FAA doesn't even give a flying flip about its kids let alone its survival. that is until tonight. Tonight I saw that is not true. A spark of hope is fanning into a great flame. As I left this incredible meeting that gave me intense hope, a storm was brewing. I even said, aloud (gasp), the words made famous my Cesar Chavez (oh my former future in-law would have been proud), "Si se puedes". You know there are some people talking about me tonihgt. "Oh, no she didn't use those words." "Oh, yes, she did." As I drove away, I saw lightening followed by the swirl of leaves. Our first hard core monsoon came through Central Phoenix and washed the dust off of everything, including my soul.

Simultaneously, as I should have been meeting a date who gave up on me as I was sitting in this meeting epiphanizing (c'mon if Bush can make up words, so can I) about hope, another friend happened to be home and was willing to celebrate my newfound "fired-up" excitement.

Being kissed in the rain on the same day that I had to forcefully remove someone from my life with threat of a restraining order, though not the person I thought I might be kissing on this night, I remember the person I kissed just a couple of weeks ago who fails to speak at all and I marvel at my crazy life, or mi vida loca. I see the irony. I taste the bittersweet taste. It is not lost on me. I love this life of mine, regardless of its craziness or at times loneliness. It's my life and I plan on making it just as full as possible. As Incubus once sang, "And in this moment I am happy, happy."

semi-annual evaluation

2008-07-07T12:18:00.002-11:00

Tradition began 3 years ago to celebrate my birthday on the 4th of July. Each year it gets even better. This year, my close friends treated me to a room in Cave Creek, AZ. Four of us combined forces, food and wine resources and had us a lovely time out in the big town. Mother nature cooled us off a bit with some light rain as we sat together on a porch swing and watched the fireworks being shot off just 50 yards in front of us. Screams and giggles, ooh's and ahh's abounded. I loved it. After the wine, fireworks, and tres leche cake, I sat outside and thought about recent evens in my life. People who no longer want to be in my life, people who just aren't sure, and people who I thought were gone but have proven me wrong year after year.

I caught parts of Oprah today. A repeat about why women don't find the love of their lives. Hell, I think it's because half of us don't know what we want and the other have are too scared to say what we want. I look around at how lonely so many people appear to be. Do they know what they want and if so, do they speak it aloud?

I am reading a book for one of my classes called "The Fifth Discipline". It talks about my most favorite concept, interconnectedness. Through "systems thinking", we learn to think in straight lines. However, in reality, because of interconnectedness, most things are circular. All solutions reside within those circles, although those solutions can sometimes be extremely complex when taking into account all pieces involved to make up the whole.

Today, I was going through my inbox to see why precisely I have over 2000 emails saved. I went back to when I opened the account in 2006, I had over 150 emails just from one friend, most of which had multiple responses attached to each. It was amazing. How could two people spend so much time communicating and yet... I looked at one and decided it was an exercise in self-loathing. Why bother? But what keeps me from deleting them? Am I truly that much of a hopeless romantic? Is it a reminder of good things can be where you least expect them? Or maybe what I should do different next time? Although, that's a tricky one as each person is so different and our responses should be as unique as the individual. I circle through the big picture in my brain, trying not to put too much weight on each of the pieces as I seek understanding. Then I realize, life is too short to be worrying about it.

Hotter than the Georgia Asphalt in the Summertime

2008-07-02T13:07:00.003-11:00

Home again after a two month graduate school vacation (IS that really a vacation?) with my head filled with problems, solutions, and answers all of which do not necessarily correspond to each other. Home again to an evolving circle of friends that perhaps need to be nurtured and perhaps replinished somewhat. Home to new goals, a dwindling (only from lack of attention) business, and fire in the belly. I answered the question in leadership class, "Are you serious" with a resounding YES!

Now I know as soon as I took the deep breath to shout that answer, the Universe said, oh yeah? Instantly, forces were in motion to challenge the depth of my seriousness. Do you want this person in your life? This situation? This job? This opportunity? Do you have enough faith to know that the decisions you are making will turn out exactly the way they should and in their own time?

I think the biggest lesson I have learned this year is to know and respect the essence of the soul in each and every person. I cannot possibly know why someone makes a decision or takes a specific action. I may not agree with it, either. The best I can do is to treat them with dignity, respect, and try my best to love the essence of all that is within each person. I cannot change anyone but myself, my attitudes and beliefs, my actions and reactions. It's not that easy. There are people I still want to scream at to WAKE UP!!! I think the key to ending suffering is to just not worrying about other people and accepting what is. I will keep working to do my part in the equation (even if that means sometimes removing myself from one equation to join another) and to focus on doing the right thing instead of the easy thing.

In this moment, I have to admit to feeling a little like the old Police song where Sting sings,
"I send an SOS to the world.
I hope that someone gets my
message in a bottle."
I hope I am not all alone in this crazy new way of thinking and that it doesn't contribute to my seemingly unending hyper-individualism. Perhaps I need to turn off this computer and seek the company of another human being. Now there's an idea.

we are each others keepers

2008-04-24T17:02:00.002-11:00

Ah, tonight, I am blissfully happy. It is stupid and I suspect I should be ashamed to admit this, but it is the truth and I am working on speaking that now. Gray's Anatomy started again tonight. Okay, yeah, I am a little embarrassed, but it makes me think, it makes me forget and at the same time, it makes me remember. Tonight, I'll regress from my yoga writings and pen a few thoughts in this moment.

What it made me think about:
How we run so hard and fast from the things we say we don't want. If we don't want them, why run? Does the running solve anything? Why not just be honest? "Despite our desires, we evolve". Oh, have I been experiencing that lately?! Evolution is a little uncomfortable, to say the least.

What I want to forget:
Relationships. I want to believe that I am strong enough, can love myself enough, can be enough for myself, but I know in my heart that there are a few things that I cannot give myself. The Universe was kind (or cruel) enough to give me a taste of those over the past few years and now I know. No matter how much I evolve, I cannot provide that for myself.

What I remember:
Love making that is better than surfing. Kissing. Friendships. Reaching for the goal when it feels bloody unattainable. I am a hopeless romantic...and there is nothing wrong with that. There are people in my life that I wish for so much more from but the mere fact that they make me want to be a better person and strive for greatness is more than enough.

It's silly that I feel so elated by a 40 minute show, but I do and in this moment, I have have wild abandonment fun. This is so good.

To be loved, be love

2008-04-16T10:48:00.002-11:00

I am listening to Bishop Gene Robinson on NPR's "Fresh Air". He is talking about his personal prayer life and how is uses few words but tries to really sit in the presence of God's love and feel that love. My mind paused and chewed on that thought for a few moments. What does it feel like to be loved?

I pulled up memories of times in my life when the love transcended any words. I envisioned sitting with that presence from within myself and I was in awe; I could do this? Of course I can! We do not need to search outwardly to be loved. That said, I am not implying that we do not need the love of others, because we do. However, the love must start from within. It is the knife that pierces the ego masked as fear and self-doubt that holds us back from our own personal greatness. It is what allows us to love others openly and unconditionally because their love in return will nurture us but we will not starve without it.

Take a few minutes to draw up images of times when the love transcended words in your life. Bask in that purity and warmth. Wrap it around you like a warm blanket in the dead of winter. Gather it together and share it like a spring bouquet. See where it takes you today.

Rise above it

2008-04-08T06:36:00.002-11:00

Kikaku composed a haiku on a red dragonfly that caught his fany. He showed it to his guru, Basho:
Take a pair of wings
From a dragonfly, you would
Make a pepperpod.

No, said Basho, thatn is not a haiku. You kill the dragonfly. If you want to compose a haiku and give life to it, you must say:
Add a pair of wings
To a pepper pod, you would
Make a dragonfly

This morning, a co-worker shared the horrific details of a road-rage shooting that happened to her cousins yesterday evening. From all appearances, it's random and simply road rage. However, when we are "wronged", we take it personally and the violence is easy to escalate. I hope that they can transcend that place and find in the hearts to forgive. It takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength or in other words, it ain't easy.

I wonder if we began to seek the true essence of each individual we come in contact, how our actions would change? We can never know the reason why a person has made choices, what they have seen and perceived as reality, and the history in general to bring them to the place they reside today unless we take the time to really get to know them. Even then, so many of us are not even honest with ourselves that it is impossible to be honest with others. Compound this with the fact few people are you ever granted enough time to deepen the relationship and all we are left with are actions to go by. "That person did this!" It is numbing and frustrating.

There is no reset button on life; this is no video game. It is time we start living that truth. Our actions and words, both large and small, create consequences far beyond our comprehension. Whenever you are in the heart of a heated discussion, ask yourself this: If you were to capture the heart of this thing in a sentence of fewer than 8 words, what would you say? Can you find the image? This is the haiku method, capturing the complexity of an organic whole by reaching its simplest composition. In this moment, let us practice seeking the essence. Maybe we'll smile more, be quicker to do a kind deed, hold our tongue of judgment. It starts with baby steps. Will you join me in this social experiment? I'd love to hear your stories of how it fairs for you!

Create, protect, celebrate, act, fight, unite...and evening with Seane Corn and sister goddesses

2008-03-21T17:43:00.002-11:00

My sister in spirit, S, and I went to a special yoga event for women tonight. It was focused on the power of women, not in the traditional sense of feminism, but a celebration of the feminine; her strength and fluidity, fragility and flexibility, her power to inspire or destroy, the absolute necessity of her. We dedicated vinyasanas to our mothers and grandmothers, sisters, daughters, friends, and the mother of all, Earth. We collective sweat probably two tons flowing through, listening and honoring the body and all that we have to offer. We danced freely and honored each other. We sang and I am sure my friend and I were not the only two moved to tears.

Ms. Corn reminded us the necessity to heal ourselves so that we can celebrate other women and lift them up, that we MUST do so for those coming after us as a living example to the true potential they own. I lived up my goddaughters and they girls who share the yoga circle with me at Wesley Community Center each week. The practice was beyond words and I am so grateful for my friends invitation to join her. This was exactly what we needed for inspiration in our journey.

For more information about the amazing work happening Off the Mat, http://www.offthematintotheworld.org/mission

2008-03-21T03:10:00.002-11:00

"Violence is the behavior of someone incapable of imaging other solutions to the problem at hand." John Paul Lederach
I think it is also the behavior of those who have had their voices silenced for far too long. We have seen a very strong example of that behavior this past week in Tibet. Using imaginative solutions only works when both parties are in a position to communicate. In such a situation, truth, openness and compassion are necessary to find the radical approaches that lie in the areas beyond black and white, good and bad, right and wrong. Such an area is coexistance, more often than not, offering win-win situations. This, however, will never exist as long as one of the parties is fighting to maintain their power base for political, financial, racial or spiritual (perceived) superiority.

“As long as we feel the need to defend ourselves, the inner battle will continue.” Thich Nat Hahn
What is it that makes us defend ourself? the need to be right? I have been asked repeatedly in the past year, "Is it better to be right than happy?" I think this takes an enormous release of our ego, yet that is precisely what is needed to live in the present moment, to know there truly is no right and wrong, simply what is, events that happen. Our egos are what personalize the events. The beautiful thing is that we have the power to chose our emotions 100% of the time! What we resists will persist, hence the inner battle that Hahn mentioned. When we chose to embrace, or at least accept, what is happening right now, we stay open to all the potential that moment brings.

“When the water flows toward love, it is defined by openness and accountability, self-reflection and vulnerability, mutual respect, dignity, and proactive engagement of the other.” Lederach
Start with living these characteristics within yourself and watch as that flows outward and returns to you.

Oh, the irony...it made me ill

2008-03-20T09:31:00.002-11:00

Today, I was invited to join the 8th graders from the elementary school in the community I am working with for graduate school. They were marching from their school to Santa Rita Center where Cesar Chavez fasted for 28 days in the 60's to bring awareness to human rights and equality for the migrant farm workers. (http://www.azpbs.org/arizonastories/seasontwo/cesarchavez.htm and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cesar_Chavez) Many of the people who marched and participated with Chavez were present for the occasion. They spoke to the youth and spoke briefly what living history looked like all those years ago. Native American dancers blessed the grounds, an annual tradition. Several national and internationally respected hispanic artists were present and encouraged the youth to keep honing their art skills. I had worked my way to the front to photograph one of the artists as he painted. Then, the emcee announces all of this would not be possible without the Federal Aviation Administration. I paused. What?! I leaned to the artist who had marched with Chavez, who had given so much back to the community (his murals can be seen all over central Phoenix), and said, "Isn't it ironic that an event honoring the man who fought for the people's right wouldn't be possible without the organization that will soon make this entire neighborhood nonexistent?" He smiled, sadly, and said, "They have to soften it so they do stuff like this." I asked, "There's nothing that can be done, is there?" Even more sadly, he simply said, "Nope." I felt my stomach turn and I listened to what she was saying to the kids, "I know many of your friends and family have moved from this area because of the airport, but we are committed to preserving these historical buildings so that one day when you need inspiration, you will have a place to come." And do what? Gaze at an empty, fenced off building? Where is the inspiration there? What would Chavez be doing now with what is happening in this community he made history in, in the state he was born that now vehemently fights over immigration? I left wanting to cry. The kids do not get it, they just know because of the color of their skin, they are fighting a harder battle than is necessary and these old folks up at the front did stuff 50 years ago but what good has it really done?

Cesar Chavez wrote a prayer that is read at every union meeting and was said today to start the event. It is one of the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard and so appropriate for today's continuing struggles all around the world.

Show me the suffering of the most miserable;
so I will know my people's plight.

Free me to pray for others;
for you are present in every person.

Help me take responsibility of my own life;
so that I can be free at last.

Grant me the courage to serve others;
for in service there is true life.

Give me honesty and patience;
so that we can work with other workers.

Bring forth song and celebration;
so that the Spirit will be alive among us.

Let the Spirit flourish and grow;
so that we will never tire of the struggle.

Let us remember those who have died for justice;
for they have given us life.

Help us love even those who hate us;
so that we can change the world.

Pleasurable pain.

2008-02-22T11:06:00.001-11:00

I read in a Paulo Coehlo book about a college teacher who took out a $20 bill and asked his students who wanted it. Many people raised their hands. He wadded it up, threw it on the ground, jumped on it and even spit on it. Then, he picked it up, opened it back up and said, “What is this?” Everyone said a 20 dollar bill. He went on to say, “Never forget this scene. It doesn’t matter what I do to this money, it is still a $20 bill. So often in our lives, we are crumpled, trampled, ill-treated, insulted and yet, despite all that, we are still worth the same.”

That really touched me. How often are we given a message from very early on that we are not good enough. In Ekhert Tolle’s new book “A new Earth” he speaks in depth about the ego’s grasp on thoughts to create identity. It is the ego that embraces the message of not being good enough. That embrace is more like a bear hug to our soul from someone three times our size! It is gripping and paralyzes us from living out our greatness.

“I learned that the whole world has a soul and that whoever understands that soul can also understand the language of things.” from The Alchemist

I believe everyone has touched this understanding throughout their life, if only briefly. Have you ever picked up someone’s baby or watched a baby be handed to a virtual stranger and within seconds, the baby is smiling or wailing? Babies understand this language of things. It is the connection made when you meet someone new and feel as if you have known them a lifetime.

Sufi poet, Sheikh Muzzafer, says, “Love is a special, pleasurable pain. Whoever has this in the heart will know the secret. They will see everything is Truth, and that everything leads to Truth. There is nothing but Truth. In the realization of that, they will be overcome. They will sink into the sea of Truth.”

Love is not always pleasurable. I watched a dear friend act out of fear of both failure and success this week. She suffered the consequences greatly. As I listened to her belittle her self with name calling and blaming, it tore my heart. Another friend with lofty, admirable goals watched in wonderment as half way around the world, the US Embassy was attacked, placing all his goals on hold at the very least, destroying them at worst. As we spoke at length about the regions history and what this all meant for his country and my country, my heart ached. Yet, that love that I felt for both of these friends gave me the strength and courage to ask the hard questions and console with empathy.

We are in a great place in our world right now. There is a shift happening, much like tectonic plates, between conscious and fearful living. We could go either way. We must take time to listen, honoring the Truth in others, act from a place of compassion. Everything we think, say or do will impact far more than we could possibly realize. We must treat each other with dignity and respect, be honest, and let go of the idea that we are better than anyone else. Your bank account, home, wardrobe, car, and collections has absolutely no significance upon your value and it is not a measuring tool to my value. You have enough, but does everyone else? How can you reach out and lend a hand to someone less fortunate than you? Can you see your value beyond material goods? Who are you and what is your truth?

All you need is love

2008-02-14T11:25:00.001-11:00

“The test of man then isn’t “How have I believed?” but “How have I loved?” Henry Drummond

“You may try a hundred things, but love alone will release you from yourself. So never flee from love- not even from love in an earthly guise- for it is a preparation for the supreme Truth.” Jami

I cannot tell you how to love, I can only encourage you to love. Loving does not necessarily liking. It is more of a recognition and respect of the divine within each of us. Sometimes that is unbelievably hard, particularly when something precious has been taken from us. If we remember the fluidity of life, though, we understand that change is inevitable. People and things come and go, often faster than we would like.

Making the conscious decision to love starts within. I remember when I realized this fact. I had no idea where to begin. I was 34 years old and I could not say I love myself. I felt I had experienced enough relationships in which love bloomed. If I could learn to love someone else, I could learn how to love myself. I would first need to get to know me. It took the better have of 18 months to start feeling that love grow. It’s funny, but I even make time to have date night with myself now! It is important for me to invest in this love and relationship as it truly have enhanced how I am able to love others.

On this Valentines Day, close you eyes and imagine you sitting in front of yourself, looking deeply into your eyes and saying, I love you. It make take repeating many times, but notice how your energy changes as you continue this practice. Share that energy with others. Take some time today, and everyday, to tell everyone you love them!

PS- I love you!

Until you do, there is only suffering

2008-02-14T10:24:00.001-11:00

“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.” The Alchemist

One of the students asked if I really believed those words. Yes, absolutely I do. I looked back at my 2007 goals recently. 9 of the 12 had come to fruition. Not just little goals, either. Oddly, a couple of the larger were the things I worked for the least even though they were probably the ones I wanted most.

When we open up to being honest about what we really want, we open our eyes to the many opportunities to achieve this desire.

I believe that we are always offered the tools and opportunities we need to follow our own personal path to greatness- our life’s purpose, if you will. Yet, we are only aware on what we focus. If we focus on all we don’t want- financial debt, a bad relationship, life challenges- that’s what we’ll receive. Yet, when we shift our focus to what we want, that’s what energy we draw to ourselves! That said, it is necessary to know exactly what you want.

“If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change, free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter reality.” Dan Millman, Way of the Peaceful Warrior

Even when we get what we want, life is fluid, constant changing. We must be able to let go as easily as we reach out and take hold of our goals and dreams. This is being present. Remaining present is the way to maximize life. Our meditation practice of “letting go” assists us in moving into and staying in the present. This is skill that we are all born with but have forgotten how to apply. Watch a baby for an hour. It does not hold onto its emotions.

Here are two great resources for starting to define what you want: http://www.thepassiontest.com/TPT/Home/index.cfm and http://thesecret.tv/. Take half an hour or an hour to work on those desires. Once you establish them, use them to make all your decisions- if I do this, will it move me closer to my dreams? You will be amazed at how much time you safe, how much freer you feel, and how many more opportunities present themselves to you when you harness your energy on your dreams!

what else is on...

2008-02-03T14:38:00.000-11:00

While a few channels over and maybe 15 miles away, the Super Bowl is underway. Meanwhile, on CBS, a special report is on. They followed a National Guard unit out of Iowa. There is a war in Iraq while perfectly normal people are acting like absolute idiots all over our country on this very night. I suppose one could say the men and women are defending our right to be stupid over a game of football. I don't buy that. I think there are people losing their lives and we don't even think about the loss or the cost of war (fiscal, lives lost, mental stability, etc) unless it is in our face. What does it take to, at the very least, achieve transparency? What does it take to really show what happens to the families while the soldiers are away fighting? What happens to the mental health of the soldiers as each deployment is extended, more deaths occur, and more trust is lost? There are so many more questions I have, but someone, somewhere will take this incorrectly, that I am being divisive. I am not. I want us to unite and to understand both the beauty and the fatal flaws of our world "neighbors", not just what the media shows us. I want us to understand how we are ALL connected and how we are all impacted by what is happening over on the other side of the world. We will never understand what they are experiencing and we'll never understand how this war is affecting the Iraqi's. Our children's children will be paying the debt for this war. The health and well-being of the veterans will continue to be sacrificed as budget cuts are made in veteran's affairs. Even if the next president pulls our troops out tomorrow, one question will remain. Where does it all end?

There is a soldier being interviewed who is angry about some of us who are against the war. He thinks the "whole United States" stood up and supported the war. They didn't. Not everyone thought this was a wise idea or even a necessary war. We, who felt this, also wondered back then what was the real reason the war started in the first place. Let me make this very, very clear. I am proud of the men and women who risk their lives daily- be that military, police, or firefighters.

Whatever is decided about this war, we must as a country make a conscious decision to look further down the road at how many generations will be impacted by our present choices. If we are to be the greatest country in the world, we must begin to act like it.

Burning attention

2008-02-02T17:21:00.001-11:00

What is the secret that makes us understand the Serenity Prayer?
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr

Does everyone have something? Are there people out there so pure that they think they are just nice words? Has there ever been a living soul that did not experience anger, sadness, and fear?

I know dedicated Buddhist who understands how to live one moment at a time, fully present. While in India, one of my peers was facing an exceptionally difficult challenge posed against her greatest goal and dream. She was angry. She sat on her bed, with all of us moving around her, preparing for our final night together, in sheer silence. I knew by her position on the bed, her breathing, and her eyes- though closed- what she was doing. When she opened her eyes, she was completely calmed again, rational.

“Satori, a Zen concept, occurs when attention rests in the present moment, when the body is alert, sensitive, relaxed, and emotions are open and free. Satori is the warrior’s state of being,” Way of the peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman. How do we go to that place of attention? In this day and time, particularly living in the United States, I occasionally wonder if it is possible to live with such attention. We are bombarded by so many messages, many of which do not even really matter. These messages, fear based, prey on our desires to be loved, wanted, desired. Yet, what good is being wanted or desired if we do not want or desire ourselves just as we are? Sure, there is always room for growth ad improvement, but when do we stop looking at our body with the wonderment of an infant and begin judging it against others? When do we stop learning for learning sake and start feeling inferior? When do we stop looking at things for beauty and start passing up the simplistic for bigger and better beauty?

A friend asked me recently how to meditate. This is a complicated request because I am not entirely sure I know how to meditate. It is a concern I have shared with my meditation group. The wise leaders have told me to find the spaces between the thoughts and there is where meditation occurs. Another wise person shared a story I have repeated many times. He had been a volunteer in the day care center at church. A grandmother brought her grandson in while she attended services. The boy was the first there that morning and he ran repeatedly in a circle in the middle of the room. One of the other volunteers asked if they should stop him and my friend said, no just wait. They did and after awhile, the body plopped down on his back in the middle of the room. After a few moments, he sat up and said, “Whew. Okay, I’m ready. Now what?” My friend said, “Wendy, sometimes your mind may have to run a few circles before it becomes quiet.”

“When you understand the source (of your thoughts) clearly, you’ll see that the ripples of your mind have nothing to do with you; you’ll just watch them, without attachment, no longer compelled to overreact every time a pebble drops. You will be free of the world’s turbulence as soon as you stop taking thoughts so seriously. Remember, when you are in trouble, let your thoughts go to see through your mind!” Way of the peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman.

There are many ways that I have heard to begin meditating. The simplest is to be aware of what is happening. When thoughts come, simply say without judgment, “thinking” and let it go. The importance in this meditation is to detach from following the thoughts further. I have heard the mind plays funny little tricks on us because it knows without it, the ego has no voice. Some people who are more visual use the technique of watching the thought being placed on a cloud or on a leave in a brook and float away.

Visualizations, affirmations, and mantras are all wonderful techniques. Olympic athletes have used visualizations for years. I truly believe that I popped up on a surf board on my 3rd attempt because I had seen myself surfing in my mind so many times that my body had no idea it didn’t know how to surf! Affirmations have become quite popular lately. Louise Hays, Dr. Wayne Dwyer, The Secret have shared that thoughts become things; where you put your energy is what will be drawn to you- the law of attraction. Tell yourself something long enough and you will believe it!

Mantras are simply words or sayings that we repeat during the meditation. I understand a guru should be the one to give you your mantra. I have not had the pleasure of practicing with that kind of guru. Sometimes I use “Sat nam” (I am) or sometimes the opening mantra for anuasara yoga:
Om Namah Shivaya Gurave
(I offer myself to Lord Shiva, the Auspicious One, who is the True Teacher within and without)
Saccidananda Murtaye
(Who assumes the forms of Reality, Consciousness, and Bliss)
Nishprapanchaya Shantaya
(Who is never absent and is full of peace)
Niralambaya Tejase
(Independent in existence, the vital essence of Illumination)
Om
Catholics pray to the rosary. Whatever works to keep the mind focused. I have also simply used words such as love or peace.

Meditating is something most people do not just jump into sitting for 1/2 an hour. Start slow, maybe 5 minutes in the morning or 5 minutes before bed. Eventually, the brain learns what you’re doing and it will go into that blissful state much faster.

A Zen student asked his teacher the most important element of Zen. The roshi replied, “Attention.” “Yes, thank you, but what is the second most important element?” The roshi replied, “Attention.” Pay attention, be aware, and dive into those spaces between thoughts.

Peace.

Syncronicity

2008-01-29T16:15:00.000-11:00

Today was a day when the Gods smiled upon this schooling of mine. First, I met someone quite randomly that could help me with my potential long-term (and so far unspoken) goals post-graduation. Then I received an email saying that we were "granted Initial Candidacy (for accreditation) 'without modification and with commendation.' And finally, several people had donated a mat to the kids yoga program but when I walked in to teach the class, a friend had dropped off SEVERAL brand new mats! The kids went nuts when they say we had 15 mats!! They know they'll be keeping these mats when our time together is over. I feel so very blessed to have fund this program to study and then for the Universe to align everything to make it almost seamless. It just furthers my belief that when you put out the energy of your hearts desires, your eyes are opened to the limitless opportunities available to help steer you down the path.

Response to a school question...

2008-01-27T11:29:00.000-11:00

"What can your community do to encourage healthier behaviors and lifestyle choices? What can you do to encourage your community to promote better health?"

Make fresh fruits and vegetables, particularly locally/regionally grown more accessible, both physically and economically. Encourage use of produce via cooking classes or recipes. Every school should have community gardens. These gardens go beyond the obvious lessons of growing and eating organic food, but everything else can be taught in the garden- english, math, science, art, even economics. The excess that is not used by the families of the growers can be sold in the farmers markets or to local chefs. It should never, ever cost more to buy Cheeto's than fresh fruit. Neighborhood co-ops could be set up to share the cooking duties to help families short on time. Excess food is shared with people nearby that do not have the resources to eat. Food should not be wasted in our country. There is absolutely no excuse why 13 million children and 23 million adults do not have enough food in this country.

Businesses should invest in their employees health, rewarding those who commit to being physically active and healthy. It benefits the company when the employees are healthy because the production rates increase and expenditures on health insurance decreases.

Every community should have community centers that offer individual and family friendly activities. Community activities that draw people out of their homes to share, communicate, laugh, and be aware of our interconnectedness. Community strength will always result in decrease crime.

Media...it is a responsibility of the community to demand engaging, entertaining, educational shows. But what if the only way you could watch such shows was to walk on a treadmill, ride a bike, etc to generate the energy needed to operate the tv? Is it possible to sell anything without sex or the tenant that you are only good enough if you own this product?

Insurance...what if instead of continuing to struggle with health care, we all give up on insurance and create our own fund, based on the model of community banks in India? This collaboration would have a holistic approach focused on living rather than killing. If we are growing the healthy cells, the diseased cells will eventually lose. If insurance companies are no longer dictating the health care field and pharmaceutical companies are no longer making billions, perhaps we can return to the fundamentals that allow for a healthy society.

I could keep going, but it's been 40 minutes and in my little plan, far too many billionaires will have lost their fortunes with these ideas implemented.

The Miracle Mile

2008-01-14T17:22:00.000-11:00

Reunions can be such an odd thing; people change. Sometimes physically it is a drastic change whereas others even though 25 years has passed, very little has changed beyond new lines and filling. The best part of reunions is what you learn about yourself.

This weekend, I had the honor and pleasure of seeing someone for the first time in over 3 years. Once a student and client of mine, I can honestly say we developed a friendship and served a very important role in each other’s life. I have tried practicing honesty in my communication lately. It is a very difficult thing for me to do. Yet, I felt because of the nature of our friendship and many of the conversations shared in the past, I would be safe. Which turned out to be a correct assumption, indeed.

We both revealed something about the beginning of our friendship. I explained why I had said what I did and my friend shared the impact of those words. My friend is a professor of Social Work and we had a great conversation about how people think, nature of relationships, etc. This is the kind of talk that I just love to dive head first into without ever checking the depth of the water. We both agreed that community no longer holds the same meaning as village. We seek community by trying to find likeminded people, avoiding those who disagree at all cost. How do we grow if we are not challenged? After awhile of living in such conditions, we begin to fear those who are different than us. Then what?

I think what I treasure most about the few friends I share such commonalities is that because my beliefs could be considered radical by many, it provides me a rock to return to when I have swam away as far as I could in the ocean of differences. It provides me the security to know that I can go have those conversations with people that I so venomously disagree with but am trying hard to understand. It is not about convincing others to share our beliefs, but trying to understand why they own such beliefs to better work together from a place to respect and compassion.

What if we all tried to just walk a few inches in the shoes of everyone who we connect with for just one day? How would that change our attitude? What if it were more frequently? Let us try this as a challenge. We will call it the miracle mile challenge. Inch by inch, with all the people we connect with verbally or nonverbally, I bet we all end up walking a mile (or more) by the end of the day.

People prioritize

2008-01-13T12:57:00.000-11:00

"People prioritize. People make decisions." Indeed they do. When something is important enough, people make it a priority. Sometimes it's such a simple thing that there is no question of making it a priority- picking the child up from school, making sure you check-in with the ill friend, taking 30 minutes to workout in the midst of a busy day. Sometimes, it is not so pleasant and we don't want to necessarily do it, but if it is important enough, it will be a priority.

The past few weeks I have been very fidgety. Acting a little out of character to myself, but not enough that anyone else would notice. I have been trying to figure out why. I think the answer came to me. A simple explanation that I just am not the one. That part is okay, actually. What bothers me is that it is ending just like the last one, a ride off into the sunset with a glimmer of hope until one day I heard he was getting married. I deserve more; respect enough to just say, this isn't what I want/need/can handle. Whatever, but ignoring it does not bring closure and we all need resolution to be able to move on in a healthy way. I heard once that sometimes closure has to come even if the person you once had the relationship is dead and cannot physically respond anymore. I wonder if that works for the living who won't respond, too?
Maybe that is what is wrong with the world, we no longer own up, communicate.

I forgive myself for believing in this impossibility. It's what I do best. When the impossible comes to fruition, it's an amazing site to behold. For now, my impossible is simply believing in myself.

When principle is not enough

2008-01-12T19:45:00.000-11:00

I watched "A Mighty Heart" (Daniel Pearl, the journalist from the Wall Street Journal) tonight with a friend. I stood up and began to stare at the wall, trying to follow my thoughts just to see where they were taking me. My friend asked if I were okay. "Where do you begin?", I asked. I mean, it seems so complicated how we came to a place where so few people trust, where greed seems to be such a deep entrenchment that it clouds all rational behavior.

I returned to my analogy of peeling the layers of the onion in a futile attempt at cause and effect, but I added another component. Last summer, I had surface ablation on my eyes to correct my vision. A strange side-effect manifested. When I cut an onion, the fumes no longer make my eyes water but it seeps into the area where the laser cut, piercing to a point I can no longer keep my eyes open. They squeeze shut and the tears begin trying, in vein, to force the foreign object out while I sit in pain trying to figure out what to do. This is what trying to understand the complex nature of our world today feels like for me, with somewhat less acute pain.

I do not understand the why, but I understand the principle. Unfortunately, that is not enough. My friend very gently said, "You may not change the world, but we must do what we feel is most important." This made since to me as I imagined all of the people passionate about the environment, animals, education, health. Yet, what about the people that feel what is right is upholding the value system that is not built upon love, compassion, tolerance? Hence, fundamentalism.

The struggle for me is walking in the shoes of those with opposite views from mine. It is far easier for me to understand how the drug dealer, gang member, prostitute, teen parent got to where they are than it is for me to understand the conservatives whose lack of tolerance stifles empathy. The knowledge that we will never fully understand each other is acceptable. Yet, I long for a place where we can at least listen to each other, try to understand, and come close enough in our believes that we can shake hands on most issues, agree to disagree on others.

Is it the time of the season?

2008-01-08T18:08:00.000-11:00

In the past year, I have had many old friends contact me (good thing I never married and changed my name). One of these was great because we've rekindled our friendship and I love her dearly. The others have just been odd. One, a boy I had a crush on and slept with who wanted to apologize for treating me so poorly. Um, yeah, the counseling I did years ago probably covered that issue. I've moved on to bigger and better problems. get over yourself. Another that I would have slept with but...hmmm...why didn't we? He's still cute, but lives in Oklahoma. Yikes. The most recent has got to be the oddest. Last guy I dated in college. The weird thing is we met through a mutual friend that I always adored and respected so much but lost touch after we both moved a few times. I still think of my friend a few times a year. On New years Day, a friend came by and happened to pick up my diploma from the shelf and opened it (why? not sure, I never lie about my degree. I'm thrilled I have one!) and I keep a pic in there from graduation day. There was my friends face, smiling and reminding me how much I wished I could talk to him. One week later...viola! He's email is forwarded to me. How crazy is that. Perhaps we should be careful what we wish for lest it's not quite so positive!

Rise to the Occasion

2008-01-07T16:01:00.000-11:00

I watched an old movie the other night, "Stand and Deliver". It's about a man who leaves a well paying job to become a high school teacher in East Los Angeles. He takes a group of kids that barely pass remedial math and in two years, they pass the Advanced Placement test for math. The kids do so well, in fact, they are called into questioning for cheating. How can a group of Mexican American kids who barely did math a few years ago outscore the students at the top schools in the state? The teacher, when presenting the desire to teach calculus, said, "Students will rise to the occasion". Indeed, they did.

I have been thinking about that line since. What makes us rise to the occasion in any situation? Is it only when there is an opportunity for growth or risk of losing what means the most are presented? Is it when we are passionate about a cause? Is it when we are fed up?

In Doing Research in the Real World, David Gray states that when science fails to solve problems, "the failure of existing rules will lead us to search for new ones". It is something deemed the "paradigm crisis" which "may turn into a revolution if anomalies continue and new people enter the field, such as researchers who are not committed to the traditional rules of normal science and who are able to conceive a new set of rules." I watched this the other night during the presidential debates in New Hampshire. Ron Paul has such a very different view from all the other candidates that he comes across as a little wacky and radical. Yet, he must make since to the people watching who subscribe to Facebook (many under age 30) because they overwhelmingly favored him. He has also raised a great deal of money. His followers are the researchers. Those people who may not know why but get that things haven't been working so well and we are seeing the consequences.

What happens when we begin to be the researchers of our own life? There is something completely fascinating to me about the human relationship. Perhaps because so many of mine have been so...interesting. I love to understand why people do what they do, but I am strangely not interested in psychology as much as I am into the physics or the equation of cause and effect of it all. I think a great deal about how my actions and inactions will affect those in my life. If I know about a situation and I do nothing about it, what happens? If I know and do something, what happens? It all goes back to my basic belief of interconnectedness.

I am intrigued by when something big happens- maybe in the world such as Bhutto's assassination- or maybe small like a fight we have with a friend and we let a period of time go by without doing something about it to resolve the problem. If we chose not to change, time will change us. There is a line in one of the prayers in the Episcopal church that is asking forgiveness, "for the things I have done and things I left undone". Life has a funny way of throwing curve balls at us. We say, oh, I'll get to it later when I have time. A day passes or maybe 10 or maybe 300 and the opportunity slowly slips farther away. Bhutto's supporters grow angrier, the friend gives up and moves on, change occurred and we allowed it to play out in a way that is unbecoming for healing.

We can't turn back time. The best we can do is to try to remember the history but bring into the story of our lives all the new elements to best benefit all involved. We research and look for new answers when the science (logic) fails us. We start a little revolution built upon the foundation of compassion, empathy, love and honesty. It requires taking a risk. I believe, though, if we are to be more than just here on earth taking up space and natural resources, it is a necessity.

Must make cornbread

2008-01-01T16:45:00.000-11:00

The first blog of the year. I feel I should be writing something profound, but I have no profound in me right now, just fatigue. I go through these cycles every few days where I will need little sleep and then suddenly I am just exhausted. Today is one of those.

When I woke this morning- and even when I went to bed last night- that this is the first New Years I can remember in a really long time that I was moving into it without a feeling of uncertainty. That is not to say I am certain of what great adventures this year holds, but I am certain I can handle them all, mostly with grace and compassion. I am confident for the first time in almost a decade in the direction I am moving. It feels good.

Last night, H kept asking everyone about New years Resolutions and she'd get to me and say, I know you don't believe in them. I don't. I believe in reassessing where you have been and where you want to go and then setting goals accordingly. I have done that. 2008's word is "driven". I am focused on paying off debt, earning's A's in school, learning Spanish, exercising, being a good teacher, deepening relationships with family and friends. That is why I chose to ring out the old and in the new year with my girlfriends (almost all of them) who made 2007 possible for me.

I walked outside after we toasted in 2008 and I looked up at the stars. When I was in the tribal village in Gatchiroli, there was a group of women who wanted our addresses. I wondered if they'd even write, how I would translate it, how they could afford the postage, and if postage even traveled to their village. I looked up at the stars as we were leaving and suddenly their village didn't feel so far away from my home. I poured a little champagne out on the ground for our dear friend, Frank, who finally joined his best friend (my grandpa) for what I am sure was a stiff drink and a couple hot dance partners. I sent my love out to all the people in my life that were not with me and wished them all abundance, love, safety, good health, and laughter for the year to come. It was a beautiful, peaceful, perfect moment.

When I returned to the party, K and I talked about what the big deal about New Years is anyway. I shared that I haven't shared the evening with someone I have been in love with since, oh, I rang in the new millennium. It made me realize again, significant others come and go, but your family and friends are always there for you. Thank God someone is there. Sometimes it's just good to have someone to lean on.

Here's to you, my faithful readers, on this first day of 2008. It lacks profoundness, but not sincerity when I say, many blessings and much love for this new year in your life.
Peace, love, namaste.

Killing change

2007-12-27T03:39:00.000-11:00

I remember standing and talking with my roommates in Sevegram, India about the strange coincidence that so many major change agents had been assassinated. Last night I finished watching the movie "Gandhi", recalling this conversation. All of us agreed that this similarity gave us pause on being true change agents. I suppose one must believe in the change enough to stare death in the face regularly and not be scared.

Today, death won. Benazir Bhutto was killed. Violence is escalating in Pakistan as I write this. Violence begets violence. I wish I had an answer to this action. Gandhi fasted. He turned his violence inward, almost dying a few times. He knew the answer did not come from turning rage outwards towards others. Channel that energy into positive action.

Here, all of the news on NPR is dedicated to this event. Three major news channels and they are covering tigers, a screwdriver in a girls head, breast cancer in Jewish women, who the President of France is dating. Would they even be able to convey why the citizens of the country are turning to violent behavior in their grief and outrage or would it give the impression that Muslims are violent people in general? We don't understand suffering atrocities and injustice so frequently that we would run to the street and set a public us on fire if one of the Presidential candidates here was assassinated.

We should know that because it does effect our politics. I believe we are all connected. What is happening in Pakistan, Bali, Mexico, and Canada are more important than if a 16 year old actress announces she's pregnant. Lest we forget, we ARE still at war and people are dying because of that daily. People die of hunger daily all over the world. People are still living in FEMA trailers in New Orleans. Wake up, people!!

My heart goes out to Benazir Bhutto and her followers on this tragic day in world politics.

Peace On Earth...well, I'd settle for self

2007-12-25T15:26:00.000-11:00

My first Christmas in my first home is slowly drawing to a close. I invited my mom to stay the night last night. We started the evening at Trinity Cathedral, my other "home". Those who know me know I am not a Christmas person and I struggle with religion, but that place continues to draw me back time and again. It was good to hug people that have become my extended family and laugh at little ironies that presented in life this year. I chuckled at the sermon being able "coming home". I sang. Despite my voice not being fully recovered from allergies, I sang and was mostly comfortable for the first time ever.

Back at my #1 home, we watched a movie and I candied nuts. I slept on the couch. I woke and began cooking. We had brunch while we watched the movie, "Gandhi". I know, I know, just can't get enough. We dressed and made our way to Sacred Heart for noon mass. I am not religious and if I were, it certainly wouldn't be Catholic. My mom is even less of both than I. I was a bit surprised that she wanted to go. A new friend met up with us there. This is the only remaining building in the barrio where I am doing my grad school work. The open the building once a year for this mass. It was PACKED to the brim!! So many people returned to attend mass in their "home" church, despite having their homes relocated by Sky Harbor airport and City of Phoenix. The sermon was good, the prayers were subtle and appropriate in the face of the current politically charged climate. I met Mr. Pete Dimas. This is significant because his book cemented me working in this barrio for the next two years. The funny thing about being in this mass is that the 4 years I attended the rare mass with the G family, I never felt comfortable, but today, I felt good being there. Like everything had prepared me to sit in that church on this day. I said a prayer for all of the people in my life, a special one for those with whom I am not experiencing peace. I know that peace has to start in me. I am trying.

We went to see "The Kite Runner" afterward. I won't give a critique here. I wondered why I am so drawn to that part of the world now and if I am trying to do what I can here because I know as a woman, I do not have the same abilities there. Yet, my soul speaks when I hear the languages, see the markets, taste the food (yep, I even craved rice for a second), feel the music. Maybe it's just my desire for community that pulls me in to both theirs and now this one here.

facebook

2007-12-23T15:46:00.000-11:00

I heard a story on NPR yesterday about a girl who is 23 quitting Facebook. She was tired of everyone knowing everything about each other and having nothing to talk about. I found this intriguing. I use this blog to process many of my thoughts that I am scared to talk about with friends. My aunt uses it to know what's going on in my life, kinda like a temperature gauge. We have some really great and meaningful conversations because of it. That's fine. It works for us. What happens if the only way you can communicate, though, is by someone reading your blog or MySpace or Facebook page? At what point do you reach a place where when you're having problems in a relationship it becomes almost a public trial because you know the only way to communicate is by airing out the problems online? Have we regressed so far that we can't have a meaningful conversation anymore? A friend shared with me that his niece refuses to answer her phone and will only respond to voice mail via text messaging. I have a friend who doesn't have a phone so our main line of communication is via instant messaging. It leaves A LOT to be desired. Things written have no voice, not tone to lend meaning and context. It proves itself time and again more disastrous than good, yet, we don't change. What does that say about us? As a culture, have we regressed in our ability to communicate because of the increase modes of communication?

Missing India

2007-12-20T18:36:00.000-11:00

I miss the joy and the sheer abandon of the children in contrast to the I want, I want, I want that I have witnessed in US children this week. I long to dance my prayer to whatever face God may take, but just to see that woman's smile and feel her peace again. I want to laugh until I cry with my roommates (dare I now say sisters?). Want dirty feet and a scarf around my shoulders. A hug. The smell of incense.

I had a date night with myself tonight. I cooked myself dinner- may I just tell you that tasted amazing! Pasta with a homemade sauce. Mmmm...bellisimo. I made brownies for a holiday party tomorrow. I turned on music and turned off the TV. I pulled down my vision board and drug out the magazines, newspapers, and other things I have been saving. In the past few days, my vision has changed drastically and it was time to capture that image forming in my mind. This board took on a simplicity that is simply exquisite. It is strong and determined and right in the center is the word for 2008: driven. It captures all that I am becoming and I like that person, even if I don't always like her reactions. She/I am amazing and that is a great place to be.
The night turned into a catch-up with a dear friend who shed insight and a commonality in U.S. frustration. Who we become to be able to succeed or at least exist here. Yet, we call each other out and remind each other of the greater purpose for which we are both called. We silently support each other. It's the kind of friendship that you simultaneously know and don't know the other. Intriguing?
I was asked a question recently, what do you want?
I want to die knowing I have made a positive difference in the lives I have touched and not too much damage.
I want to dance, write, photograph, surf, read, know.
I want to love and be loved unconditionally.
I want to touch grace, regularly and respectfully, reaching my other hand out to share that sensation with others.
I want to eat good food and drink great wine, live "the life" but still be able to be dirty and use squat toilets because I know who I am.
I want to learn how to sing (and God knows everyone in my life shares that desire)
I want to be debt free.
I want to hug my family one more time (and that desire will never end)
I want one big party that all my friends attend...preferably before I am dead.
I want to see the fireworks on the 4th of July in Washington DC
I want to see the whole world... and I mean the WHOLE world, but I don't have to stay in the cold places long!
I want to slow dance on a terrazo in Italy, make love in a boat, hold hands in Africa.
I want to be with someone that makes me feel like I do when I listen to Mana and when I surf, forgives me endlessly and loves me regardless of my flaws (there are certainly enough of them), wants to be a part of my world and wants me to be a part of theirs yet never expecting either of us to lose our identity or independence, someone who shares humor and passion of life, is compassionate, and has amazing chemistry with me, understands give and take, is romantic without being a pushover, likes to travel, stimulates my mind, finds me interesting, shares a common attraction, and isn't looking for a sugarmama!
I want to graduate from grad school.
I want to be really healthy but still live well, know what I mean?
I want to do yoga in surreal and unexpected places that I stumble upon.
I want to be nice, sincerely and genuinely nice.
I want to live with as little impact on the Earth as possible.
I want to sweat in a sweat lodge.
I want THE bathtub.
I want to run again with Mikael and Kristen.
I want to be happy over right but not at the expense of my soul.
I want to make wine...and drink it with the Goddesses.
I want to be wooed. I know, I am a hopeless romantic.
I want to keep learning.
I want to feel, even when it doesn't feel good.

Do I want too much?

Taking my own advice

2007-12-17T17:11:00.000-11:00

I wonder, do people really change? Have I changed? If not, is there ever really hope?

Tonight I received a glimpse into the future and a look back at the past. Pained would be an appropriate adjective for how I feel. How we act and react to the things that bother us, particularly when you throw in fatigue and illness, is a good indication of what are the worst aspects of our personality. I recognize that I have some major personality issues, despite how far I think I have come. It is disappointing and embarrassing to have that mirror held up to my face.

I read something recently by Paulo Coelho where he said a soul mate does just that, sometimes being in your life just for the moment to hold the mirror, occasionally being there long enough to encourage change, rarely a lifetime. I think about all the people I have met over the years who have told me they no longer look in mirrors because they don't like what they see. Perhaps it is my pride and vanity (maybe tenacity and sadistic personality) that keeps me looking.

As far as I have come in my life, striving to be a better person, more compassionate and loving, has only caused it to hurt more when I hurt and disappoint the people I love. Again, I find myself standing at the convergence of two paths, wondering which path to take, knowing there is no wrong answer.

Happy New Year

2007-12-16T14:14:00.000-11:00

December 16th is MY New Year. I soaked in the tub this evening an reflected upon the past year. As I was relaxing, I looked at a bubble floating on the water, its iradesence shimmering in the light, and I thought, I love that bubble. IT was a rather odd thought because I realized in that second, that I really did love that bubble. I have used, quite honestly, the word love more this year than I ever have before. What a blessing it is to finally be in a place that I can love so freely. I truly believe that is a reflection on how I feel about myself. I send a birthday wish to my goddaughters that they find that place in their life much sooner than I did. It is a beautiful place to reside.

Last year, I had wondered what the next year held for me. I knew big changes were coming, but had no idea what they were. One year ago today, I signed the papers on my condo. I moved into my first home, painted walls, fought the builders, and have fallen in love every inch of it. I was accepted into grad school, received 2 scholarships, went to India, and made an A in my first class. I sold cars for three months. I went to Vegas, Palm Springs, El Golfo, and India. I survived a breast biopsy and have the scar AND clip to prove it. I lost a dear friend and gained new friends. I grew both closer to and farther from family. I wrote and photographed. I loved deeply...and found out I am loved, too! I had amazing sex. I laughed and I cried and everything in-between. I saw my best friend from 5th-6th grade and met her family. I apologized. I danced and ran and played. I read and watched movies and had a lot of lunches with mom. Today, I had the honor of photographing families from Nuestro Barrio with Santa and the Grinch. THIS was a great year.

I know next year will be equally amazing. It is already shaping to be one full of adventure, love, laughter, friendships, hard work, passion, hurt, and joy. Through it all, I will be there, really be there, sharing it through my words and my photos, hoping someone else will learn from these experiences with me, in their own beautiful, unique way.

Wishing YOU (and myself) a happy, healthy, peaceful, beautiful year filled with love, laughter, enough pain to appreciate all the joy, abundance, and great sex. Dance often, laugh more, and forgive repeatedly. Remember, we all have a piece of Divinity or Greatness in us, so start honoring it!

Is brown the new BLACK?

2007-12-14T13:38:00.000-11:00

April 4, 2008 will be the 40th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr assassination. On January 15th, the United States will recognize Dr King with a national holiday. I have been thinking about Dr. King for the past 15 years; what he stood for, what he cared enough about to lose his life over, what he said, how he inspired people to take risks for issues that matter. What has changed in 40 years?

In Phoenix, Arizona, apparently not much.

I returned two weeks ago from a month in India as part of my graduate school program in Applied Community Change. Our residential began by sitting on Gandhi’s front porch.
“First, they ignored me, then they laugh at me, then they fight
you, then you win.” Gandhi
When I returned home, I learned about the protests happening at Pruitt’s furniture store. I watched video footage on YouTube.com and read articles appearing in the Washington Post and New York Times. My heart sank.

Regardless of what side of the fence you sit on immigration, the fact that people are actually shouting, “KKK!” and other racist messages is alarming. What happened to the past 40 years of social change? Did it ever really exist? Or is brown the new black? What is driving this fear of outsiders?

I have to walk a very fine line of this issue. It would be so very easy for me to combat the racist messages with facts that counterbalance their hatred. What does that make me? What do I really want to say in the first place?

I am frustrated that so many people that try to enter our country legally struggle or worse, are denied while thousands of people enter illegally every year. But why are they entering? Particularly when they risk their life and everything they know to cross a desert for entry? Why are we denying the people who are trying to enter legally that right?

On both sides of that question, the people who are here and invest in our country by paying taxes on that illegal social security card, buy property, pay sales tax, are consumers, participate in their children’s education, etc are participating just as much as those of us born into this country.

Speaking of immigrant, would now be a good time to remind all involved that unless you are a descendant from a Native American tribe, we are ALL immigrants in this country. If your family is originally from Arizona, California or New Mexico, there is a good chance they are descendants of Mexico since these states were purchased form Mexico in the 1800’s,

The worst part of the hatred spewed is how many of these groups call themselves Christian. I have been searching for the Bible that has an addendum to John 13:34 that says, “…unless you are not white (or straight or male).” I can’t find it. It simply says to love one another. How can you love one another and continue to spread the message of hate?

Tomorrow morning, the protesters will gather again. A modern day civil rights movement of sorts. I did not live in the 60’s, but I have always felt I could have easily. I always thought I would have marched and risk my life, as I know it, for equality. Perhaps now is my chance.

http://usmexico.blogspot.com/2007/12/showdown-in-arizona-where-mariachis-and.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOSZ6L0V9yA

CULTURE SHOCK

2007-12-12T19:39:00.000-11:00

Tonight I experienced my first culture shock since returning from India. It was a Phoenix Suns game. Where do I even begin? The MONEY spent at this thing was just baffling, the fans who take the game so seriously, the players who make millions of dollars and for what? To entertain, nothing else. There is little significant contribution to the community. Why aren't teachers, fire fighters, police and soldiers paid more? People who risk their lives daily or try to help kids learn should earn more than 1/100th of a Suns salary. The Suns dancers were a whole other shock. I don't care that their looks are exploited. I should, but I don't. It's when they do the Dancer Spotlight up on the jumbo-tron and the girls being interviewed, half-naked (which, btw, not a man in the audience that wasn't gay was listening with the boob view), being asked questions that even if she was a genius she'd sound like a peanut by answering. Wait, anyone who answers they want to be on the cover of People, well, probably are a peanut. (In case you're wondering, The Economist, Life- Person of the Year, or National Geographic would be my choice). Finally, but certainly not the least, are the free-stuff-whores. Doesn't matter what it is, if it's free, people become absolutely, shockingly, STUPID to get it, whatever IT is. Unbelievable! Alas, the land of the free and the home of the brave.

The Secret

2007-12-10T17:31:00.000-11:00

What they don't quite stress enough in that book/movie, is that sometimes when you viszualize something (or desire with all your heart as Paulo Coehlo says), sometimes the Universe takes its own sweet time getting there to present it. In the meantime, life happens, you give up on the dream. Then one day, it's there, in your face, but not entirely. Just enough for you to say, what the fuck?! Now?! This?!

Life is rarely clean. It's messy. Dirty fingernails, hairy legs, smoke-filled hair in the middle of a colorful, beautiful, dancing your prayer in a temple. It's a car accident that you survive but with lots of painful scars. As Alanis Moresette eloquently sang, it's like rain on your wedding day.

Is it the yin and yang of life or just life teaching us to feel completely?

if only Hallmark could

2007-12-10T17:26:00.000-11:00

He told me, standing just mere inches behind me, if you can learn to pronounce my last name, I'll ask you. I learned. I've never forgot. He asked, but it was too late. Today he celebrates another milestone and I send the warmest wishes to him. Little reminders of days gone by- his favorite actor, Sam Elliot, was on Charlie Rose this afternoon, the strand of Christmas lights I always wanted and hung only once at our house was unburied today. Regrets? Only of causing pain and losing my friend. Desires? For the happiest, healthiest, most love-filled life that I've always wished for him...and at least another 40 good years. Happy Birthday, Mr. G.

Is it in the stars?

2007-12-10T11:23:00.000-11:00

While I hate my birth date, I love reading my December horoscope. There’s just something fun about reading what’s coming, though it’s all so vague, who knows. Planet Waves, though, is creepily right many times. He included this in the monthly horoscope:

“This is excellent practice in being not ready but willing. Too much of what we think of as readiness is really about willingness. Most of what people have achieved on this Earth would not have been achieved if they waited around for when they felt ready; indeed, many of the most substantial achievements happened because it was time for them to happen.”

It goes on to talk about my “compelling urge to grow and evolve; the constant attraction toward the heart of the matter; the impulse to meet one's shadow self face to face. What is not loose or flexible enough to withstand change is likely to crumble. In particular, this includes your values system. While you can be a radical on many fronts, and put enormous energy into expanding into the unknown, you have a staunch traditional streak to you, and this is what is about to get its clock cleaned. There are elements of tradition that you need, such as being reflective; thinking in the long run, and being aware of the interconnected nature of things. But there are elements you do not need, such as over-structuring your affairs, rigidity and cheapness. The notion of possession and control over your resources, over people and even over yourself will limit you if you take it too far. Rather, look at the strength and power of what you possess, and its power to change you and work for change and progress in the world.”

While in India, I had a mini-meltdown. Only one person back “home” knew about it. My confidence tanked while looking at my peers and I wondered what in the hell do I have to offer these people or the world for that matter? One thing I am great at is alienating others. I lost a dear friend just a few months ago over my political beliefs and there I sat in India contemplating how I could have ever imagined succeeding in a program that is designed around helping others grow enough to become self-sustaining. “The girls” pulled me through it and over the next couple weeks, several people in the program conveyed how much they had gained from me, my experiences I share, and my patience (yeah, I know, figure that last one out).

I know just my tenacity alone is enough to do what I’m being called to do in my community. It won’t save the world, in any shape form or way, but it will make a difference in the lives of those living there, hopefully for many generations to come. To do it, I have to rebuild bridges that I burned a few years ago. That takes a great deal of patience, humility, and well, probably prayer!

It is so fascinating to me to be able to see all the different events of my life that have led me to this place now. I wonder where these are leading me next. I wonder who will be there with me, either physically or spiritually. As I write this, “Sunday, Bloody Sunday” plays in the background. I remember in high school wanting to go to Ireland and do something, anything, to help in the conflict that continued to take so many lives. I still feel that way but now it’s a desert that beckons. Maybe I’ll never get there. Does it matter, though? There’s always another conflict brewing in the distance. Maybe this is my shadow-self I am seeking to meet. Maybe it’s not some foreign conflict I long to settle, but the one just below MY surface. The one that makes me a care-giver and a warrior, a whore and a saint, blissful and sad, compassionate and completely selfish, patient and intolerant. So I’ll hang onto my traditional streak for a few more days and reflect where I have come from and where I am going as I prepare to start another year on this beautiful, sacred planet.

belated thanksgiving reflections

2007-12-10T11:22:00.000-11:00

Bliss…it’s raining. I am catching up on my smutty shows, eating dark chocolate, drinking an afternoon chai…and not in those tiny-assed Indian play tea cups! Big ol’ mug! The rain sounds so beautiful and smells just divine. Last time I saw it rain was the first day at Sevegram, November 3, 2007!

Oh, the things I missed while away. 8 months ago, three of the women in my Wesley Center class had babies. I returned from India and they’re all walking. I missed that group and the people who work at the center. They’re like extended family. I didn’t realize I missed dark chocolate and these sappy shows that remind me of what I have forgotten that I miss. I miss things that I don’t even know about but that resonate within my soul.

The great thing about being gone for an extended period of time, you realize all the things you take for granted. The views in my house; from the chair it’s the porch and from the couch it’s the red wall. The way the comforter feels on my tired body and the way Scott Simon sounds between reports on NPR as my wake-up call. My Tuesday night yoga class at Trinity Cathedral. Hugging Sherry. Laughing with my mom. MM’s twang. My computer ding-donging to let me know my IM pall is writing me. Discussing food with my court pilates class. Starbuck’s. Trader Joes. SHOWERS!!! Cooking. Just opening my refrigerator and there being food that I can prepare without having to worry about sterilizing it. Choices, choices, and more choices. Ah, to be home….

Home sweet home

2007-12-03T18:31:00.000-11:00

It's been awhile since I have written here, but the other blog faithfully tracked my path through India back to home. The first day back to life as we know it is always a bit surreal. I didn't expect that I would be so reluctant to talk about my trip. Part of me feels like the things left out of the blog are very personal and should be kept inside or shared only with close family and friends. Now is time to process after just being present for all that time.

One of the HUGE topics of conversation for the month was my marital status, followed by my odd philosophy on relationships. This was complicated by the fact that I had not yet resolved the last love who did not share the same feelings and desire to give it/us a go. It's hard to explain in a language others understand that if I can't put part of my energy there, I need to put it completely elsewhere and for me that means friends, family, school and work. The woman who was sold into marriage by her family when she was just 6 years old was the best.
"Are you married?"
"No."
"Good! Too difficult. Don't marry."
Finally, a woman who understands. Yet, there's something to be said about companionship, friendship, common goals, mutual respect, and amazing sex. I know that it is impossible to hold onto that kind of love without smothering it. It is something that just has to exist and we stay present to- no past, no future, only now. While knowing this, I can't say I'm have honed the skill just yet.

I took yesterday off from all responsibility outside of family. Enjoyed a fabulous dinner with a dear friend at the Sanctuary, while watching the sunset over North Mountain preserve. Today, I caught up on bills and other domestic responsibilities such as a month's worth of laundry. Tonight, I have to start gearing back into school. What seemed so easy while sitting on Gandhi's porch, walking through riverbeds, or touring villages now seems confusing and frightening to begin. I am sure it will come to me, though. Time, though, seems to just be whizzing past.

Truth

2007-10-18T17:16:00.000-11:00

We do what we do because we want to feel loved, wanted. Even success boils down to feeling loved and wanted. It makes us make poor choices, turning a blind eye to reality. It is what moves us fast and far away from truth.

I have learned far too much about myself over the past month. I am selfish, opinionated, judgmental, and far too concerned with being wanted and loved. It continues to drive me in directions I no longer wish to go. Moving to my truth, compassion, is challenging. I still do not know how to be compassionate with myself. I know, deep down, the only way to really experience the feeling of love is to just be and to love completely. Sounds oh-so simple.

We do what we have to do to survive. Along the way, we have moments of joy, moments of pain and hopefully, through it all, growth.

Growing Pains

2007-10-06T04:08:00.000-11:00

I remember when I was young, I had some weird pains in my bones. My mom said, growing pains. Sure enough, within a short time, I'd grown and inch or two. I feel that I am experiencing them again, but this time much deeper and in a place that anatomically does not exist.

These pains started when I began school. We were assigned some basic questions to write about ourself. I have been working on the questions, "who am I?" for over two years. About the time I think I understand it, I realize I have no idea. I learn more. I understand it is a process and if we are open, we'll be given little gifts to help us along the way. For me, these questions teamed with two unique experiences have helped me learn that I like the idea of the person I think I am but do not care much for the person I really am. This is a interesting conundrum.

All the school work is done on-line until we convene at our residential sight (India will be the first- 23 days till departure...YIKES!). When posting my observations and comments about the "unfreedoms", my professor responded with questions that I have no idea how to ponder. Either it is so far out of my realm of experience and knowledge or I am just not wired to think that way. The latter is a frightening thought for me. How do I make it through 2 years of grad school if I am not wired for grad school.

My father jokingly said, at least you got my looks recently when I was sharing this with him. I so very much wish I'd gotten some of his intelligence, too. I look at people like Desmond Tutu, Jimmy Carter, Bill Gates (yep, I still believe he sold his soul and that's why now he's working his ass off to do good. ha!), and others that are so incredibly brilliant and inspired to make an enormous difference in the world. I'm inspired, but not doing much.

Speaking with the Executive Director of the organization I have chosen to (or did it chose me?) work with through grad school, I left feeling heavy. She and I discussed the neighborhood and its history and future. At the end, I told her I love the idea of peeling the layers of an onion to get to the core because that's usually where the answer to every question resides. But in this case, as we peeled the layers, the onion began to mutate into something much more complicated and...well, ugly. The core is something no one really wants to see in this incident. It's dark and it speaks to the darkness that resides in each and every one of us. Ouch! There's one of those pains again.

I find myself questioning my life, my choices, the motivation behind all thoughts, words, and deeds. In my growing pains, I know everyone around me will end up feeling them, too. As I change, my relationships with change, my teaching will change, my motivation and inspiration will change.

I was recently told that I inspire others and I should inspire them to work together. I don't know how to do that because I don't really see that I inspire others. Maybe all I can do is encourage others to be responsible. Driving yesterday, I was listening to my favorite NPR reporter covering a story about a family in Iraq. The short version is that when the story ended that the man said he looked forward to re-marrying so he could have more sons that could fight against Al-Quida. I cried. I rarely am moved to tears over a story like this. I thought, I did this. I created this violence by my dependence on oil, my lack of voice and action. It's not our administrations fault. I am the consumer. I am the "boss" of the politicians. I could do something, but I haven't. It's not just this war or any number of other world catastrophes. It's not about aid and money to the places who need help. It's not about saving the world. It is about caring, awareness, and personal responsibility.

Laughing at myself...

2007-10-05T06:29:00.000-11:00

This came as an email from my aunt (married to an Indian Tribal Chief) from my cousin in Australia. I love it and laughed, as it says, uproariously. Thanks MM and PB! May we think long and HARD about this as America "celebrates" Columbus Day on Monday...

Subject: Navajo Message to the Moon

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it took the
astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a
Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the
rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son
translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits
doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip
to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got
all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts
a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA
official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an
underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments
into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he
would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the
recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and
played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and
loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally
stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES.
THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

Insanity

2007-10-03T17:57:00.000-11:00

Is it possible to go crazy from grad school? It’s not the work that’s hard. It’s they way I am starting to think.

For instance, the opposite of freedom is unfreedom. What are mine? What are my communities? What are my countries? More importantly, what is freedom? How do we know we are free? When we have no obligations? Obligations to what? Aren’t we always obligated to ourselves? Is it when we can say whatever we want without fear of repercussions? Would we really speak our truth even with that knowledge? Or is it when we can go anywhere we want and do anything we want? Is money freedom? I doubt it, but it does allow us opportunities…and also have the potential to enslave us. Is it simply freedom from the mind?

What if I knew how to live fully in this moment only? No fears, no concerns, only love and living? To be able to experience each and every emotion and sense completely, without attachment, is that freedom?

In this moment, I hear the clicking of the keyboard, a small and yappy dog, crickets, the drone of traffic, an air conditioner, a larger dog, a helicopter, a car, and KJZZ. I smell jasmine, dust and Mexican laundry soap. I see my keyboard, screen, drink, table, decorative lights, a flickering candle, and the light from the streetlamp. I feel the keys, my chair, my body and humidity. I taste my saliva. But all that was a matter of several moments and it was constantly changing, just as the song is now.

Why did my spirit chose this body and what does it want to experience? Does that answer hold the key to unlock the mystery of freedom? If so, how do I find this?

balance of parenthood

2007-09-30T17:18:00.000-11:00

Sitting in the living room of my best (fried) friend (an expression we had when my lousy spelling screwed up the word friend once and it stuck) from 5th-6th grade. I awoke to the sounds of coffee being ground. Not sure who was actually awake yet, I decided to get up and utilize quiet time for a little reading. I thought this might ease my quilt about having taken time away when I am behind in my reading. Jesse, her husband, was cooking bacon in the dim, morning light. He offered me coffee. We talked about school briefly and then I returned to my reading, glancing up occasionally to watch a hummingbird flit around in front of the large, living room window.

George, their daughter, joins me on the couch. She, in all her glory of Georgeness, sports nothing more than her curls and underoos. She climbs on the loveseat, curling into what I realize is probably my favorite way to sit, with one leg tucked under and the other knee bent up towards my chest. She tells me a story or two. It strikes that there is a rawness of trust and innocence that kids have, a pure tenderness that always touches me deeply. She disappears to eat a piece of bacon on her way to the bathroom. Upon her return, I ask her about a book she left out on her bed, was that for me? She grins and tells me she and her dad were working on it last night because she needs lots of help with it. I tell her I left it on the dresser and she retrieves it. We work on it for a bit. Jesse continues to prepare breakfast, setting out each item on the table. Parish, her brother, walks in the kitchen as George takes an enormous bite of cheese crisp. Good morning dad. Parish is a little sleepy and dizzy this morning. George decides to eat three more pieces of bacon.

Father and children interaction. For a brief moment I think, maybe I have missed out not wanting this, but I also see that balance that Jesse strikes between his life, as an adult and a PhD candidate with taking care of these two little beings. A small break in breakfast to go see the guinea. This takes dad from checking email. Balance, balance.

I watch as the kids climb over their mom, playful, sibling mean-ness, complete and unconditional love. I admire parents like Jesse and Rebecca, Angela, Mikael and Jon. I know I am missing out on something special, yet I know I have my own path to travel. Perhaps one day, these little ones will pick-up where I leave off.

NY Times Week In Review

2007-09-30T16:54:00.000-11:00

On the back page of the NY Times Week In Review, there are two articles about political unrest as a result of rising fuel prices. I remember when the price of gas skyrocketed here. We bitched and moaned, but not many people eased up on the miles racking up on their cars. I know I didn't. At 40-50 mpg, I feel like I have already made a change just because of the car I drive. We certainly did not burn gas stations or staged public demonstrations.

I am awed by the motivation that takes. I am curious what level of desperation instigates action. Change is inevitable, yet sometimes the more things change, the more we cling to the safety of familiarity. Is what should change just be that we strive to be a little closer to the opposite of wherever we happen to be now?

Goddesses at "The Duck" on a simple, beautiful usher into Fall

2007-09-23T14:09:00.000-11:00

The perfect place to study...

2007-09-22T19:12:00.003-11:00

without getting really dressed or having to brush your teeth and put on make up...on my patio:
This on a rainy Phoenix morning. Jasmine blossoms on the computer. The wind bringing whiffs of basil from the potted planted to my right. Perfection!

A Beautiful Night

2007-09-22T18:50:00.000-11:00

Tonight was the kind of night that just made me glad to be alive.

I went to meet two of my dear friends for a picnic and Ballet Under the Stars. We had a rainy and windy day and decided to picnic at their house with the gorgeous view of South Mountain. A spread in front of us of delicious cheeses, veggies, bread, olives, and of course wine, we sat down to feast. Then came the nats. Boy they attacked the wine like it was water. I wondered what it would be like to drown in wine. 8 little ones lost their lives in my glass alone! We moved inside and talked for hours around the table about everything from immigration to school to past and present. We spent a great deal of time oogling over Kelly Slater (I manifested getting HIM for Christmas...now, if I just believed in Christmas). It was beautiful!

When I finally decided to leave (a difficult choice), we walked to the car and S. spotted a toad! Not just any toad, a BIG toad who patiently sat there as we photographed him. Another round of hugs and I drove home with the radio up and windows down taking in the smell of cow manure and the cooler temperature due to farm land irrigation. Walking up to my place, the jasmine I had photographed closed up this morning had opened, offering is sensual scent and a bird flew over singing a song that made me feel I was on the beach. One of those nights that just makes you glad to be alive!!

Galds for Dad

2007-09-21T09:22:00.000-11:00

I got my camera back from repairs and had to capture and share these beautiful gladiolas from Trader Joes. And who says $4 can't bring days worth of joy???

"Lesson of the Day" from a Taco Bell employee

2007-09-21T09:11:00.000-11:00

I stopped into Taco Bell today- I know, I know, but I have been craving a bean burrito in a funny little way that is not a want but my body needing, so I listened- and there were a couple women in front of me. The man behind the counter looked hispanic, but more South American, and appeared to be in his 50's. The woman ordering made a comment about coming to this Taco Bell because of him and how nice he is, he smiled and graciously thanked her. Eventually, it was my time. I placed my order to go and waited. There was no one else in line and the TB guy started talking to me. He told me what the lady said and how much that meant to him. He said he'd watched a show recently about all these stars who'd been honoring a musician in Miami. He didn't understand why until he started watching the musician and realized how much this person had given back. He said we all need to give me, that we expect to receive but we don't give enough, we need to quit thinking of ourselves so much and just give. He said he learned something from this musician and he was glad he could make someone else feel good. He looked me in the eyes and said, that's the lesson of the day, give more!

As this whole conversation was occurring, I wondered whose lesson this actually belonged to; him, myself, or both of us? I wondered how I could give more. How can we all give more?

Guilty pleasures and childhood delights

2007-09-18T17:55:00.000-11:00

What are those things that we absolutely LOVE to do that are strictly are own? You know? When you're part of a couple you just still have to do this and if not, life just isn't as grand?

Gray's Anatomy (used to be West Wing), meditating, running (even though I love this with Mikael), reading, yoga class, writing and photography are some of mine.

Adult guilty pleasures...coffee (mmmm....particularly on a sunday morning watching CBS Sunday Morning with the NY Times readily available and beautiful weather to sit outside and read it after the show!!), cooking, wine, time with friends, movies, reading, yoga, meditating, learning, dark chocolate...fresh raspberries...fresh flowers (so wished I got these regularly- right now I have beautiful gladiolas in a gorgeous coral color on my 'desk' aka ottoman), dancing, photography, writing, great workouts, camping, Macy's Cafe, great music, being on water/surfing, sunbathing, dressing up and smelling sexy, thrift store shopping, sex- really, really good sex- baths, travel, lounges, martinis with dad and MM, lying in bed talking (after the really, really great sex), engaging conversation anywhere, walking out to my car and seeing the "hybrid" and the apple sticker (such an elitist snob!)... geez this list could go on forever!!

Childhood...I remember being all excited about playgrounds. My imagination allowed for picnic tables to be forte and castles, "homes" for my family. The "big toy" (large wooden playground structure) became a ship or a tree house. I could literally swing for hours. One summer I decided it was time to cross the monkey bars without stopping or dropping. This decision resulted in raw, blistered hands and a huge source or pride when I mastered it! I loved dancing...anywhere or anything- in the grocery store, restaurants, my yard. It drove my step-grandmother nuts.

What are your guilty, private pleasures or childhood memories of pleasure?

This I Believe

2007-09-16T18:05:00.000-11:00

Oh, this was an incredibly difficult assignment. however, I know it's driven by the Universe because I have listened to the "This I Believe" segment on NPR for months now and wondered what I would say, what I believe in strongly enough to put to words. Well, grad school assignment #4. Guess what....

I believe that the Universe (God/Buddha/Allah/the Great Mathematician/Spirit) guides us, subtly, to what is right or the greater good in our own life. We can listen and chose to follow, making life fairly effortless though perhaps not necessarily easy. When we chose to ignore those messages, the Universe will knock us on our butt. Sore and wounded, we have to get back up and take a real look at our direction. Everything is a choice. There is no right and wrong because everything offers a lesson for interpersonal growth. Yet, if we keep ignoring it, we keep repeating the same lesson, often painfully.

I believe that the one universal truth that transcends all religions, races, cultures, and genders is love. This is the most simplistic and yet most complicated truth to understand. From love come healing, compassion, understanding, creativity, greatness. The failure of love brings fear and irrationality. The hardest person (but most important) to love is ourselves. Once we can truly, unconditionally do that, we can love others, change the world, even become limitless. It is the only way change can occur in an individual; it allows for acceptance and forgives, the two necessary ingredients for healing old wounds.

I believe that food transcends all language and cultural barriers. A good meal can bring people to the table that may never have shared a word otherwise. Without food and water, we have no means of physical survival. It is the most basic need in every community and truly more valuable than oil, gold, or money. It is how we show love and creativity, even passion for some. It can turn an ordinary moment into a festivity, be the catalyst to seal a deal, or simply provide a moment of silence to process the thoughts in peace-keeping talks.

I believe, like most people I know, there are many more people in my life that believe in me more than I do myself, but that everyday I try to love deeper, grow stronger, and be the change I wish to see in the world. This is why friends and family (biological or chosen) are so fundamentally important. Without them, where would I be?

When it rains, it pours...

2007-09-16T17:09:00.000-11:00

Today was an odd day. Three different men, with varying levels of relationships with me, all decided to share their thoughts today. Sitting here writing, I am feeling a little like the streets looked during the middle of our severe thunderstorm this afternoon; flooded with little capacity to hold anymore.

For the past month or two, I keep getting the message to clear myself- nutritionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. This started about the time that I knew for sure I was going to grad school. It's like my- hmmm...spiritual guides/angels/schitzo voices- are getting me prepped for India. I had the opportunity to talk with a psychic yesterday and she told me the one thing holding me back was the one thing I have invested a great deal of time and energy into. Perhaps she is right, it is time to let go of hope in order to find hope again.

I love the saying that everything and everyone comes into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. So far, only two things (3 if I count my god-daughter) have come in for a lifetime. I realize that many of the reasons are for either my own personal healing or for the opportunity to help someone with theirs. I feel that is where I am now, helping someone else heal. Once again, though, my muse has inspired me to write both on here and a little poetry. Now that I think of it, maybe that is my healing.

I have to say, in listening to a good friend close the final chapter in a relationship, I've thought a lot about S. I wish we were still able to talk, still friends. The loss of his friendship will always leave a hole that cannot be filled. I remember calling him one day, many years ago, before we'd started really dating again. I was going through a tough time with someone I was dating and I just couldn't get the opening line of a song out of my head. He made fun of me when I called and told him about it. He said only I would think to quote such a cheesey 80's band. He's right. This same line has been stuck in my head again since friday:

What do you do when it's falling apart
and you knew it was gone from the very start?
Do you close your eyes
and dream about me?

Yeah, I guess I still do. Probably always will. Here's to owning our pain. At least, as my friend told me, it means I can still feel something.

Do you miss me?
the jokingly asked serious question
fully expecting the usual no
I do.
you do?
what?!
We talk rather well
or rather
I talk and you listen well

Perhaps this is my way of safely
not speaking enough
to dig a hole
Along with the complete fascination
that the very private man
speaks to me so openly
In the space where words are spoken
I find myself wanting
to be honest and completely me

I wonder if being patient
serves us as friends, as _______
or simply prolongs the inevitable
How does one ever know
that this investment
will ever payoff?
Ironically, one person holds court
no room left
to find out otherwise

Fat arms

2007-09-16T04:46:00.000-11:00

It's easily 90 degrees with some humidity when my client appears in a sweat jacket with the sleeves pushed up. Are you cold? No, my arms are fat.

This is an absolutely beautiful woman. Not only that, she is intelligent, well respected, successful, an excellent mom, fun, and has an amazingly beautiful, sweet soul. Her life is a modern day Cinderella story of coming from nothing to being self-made and fabulous. Yet, her views on her body reflect that dark seed of doubt most of us have buried deep within.

Recently, I have been asked repeatedly if I'd lost weight. My weight may flux 5 pounds, but it takes a great deal of effort to make a significant change in dress size, body composition, etc. What has changed is that I decided to view my body ask sexy; the curves sensuous, the muscles healthy, the skin soft and supple. That's it. But that shift makes me want to treat my body well. It's like having a fake diamond ring verses a Tiffany diamond, a Ferrari verses a Kia.

I can teach people how to exercise and eat right. That is such a small component of what will really make a difference, though. You have to decide you love who you are in all its glory. I want to be healthy, happy, free from fear full of peace. That creates openness that allows limitless possibilities to be those qualities! The blinders are off and we see opportunities to do the things we need to do. We attract people to us with similar beliefs and goals. It makes the seemingly daunting task of fitting in exercise daily much easier and possible because it is no longer something that has to be done, but it becomes something we want to do.

Where does one begin? Sometimes, we have so many layers of self-doubt to remove that it feels impossible to change those views. As my good friend tells me, Fake it till you make it! I love the view of a goddess for myself. Yes, Goddesses are gorgeous, but moreover, they are sexy. Sexy is not an external quality, it's an attitude; feeling comfortable in your own skin, owning your body and sexuality (that's true for both men and women). I look at Queen Latifah and I think she's absolutely stunning. She is not a thin woman, but she carries herself like a goddess. I am always amused at how many women find Bill Clinton sexy (okay, I own this one too). It's not his looks! It's that je ne sais quois, the air of greatness, the attitude that he projects that is so attractive.

A little exercise to begin the faking it. With all your heart, singing as if it were the love of your life, sing to yourself this line from "Fly Me To The Moon":
"You are all I long for, all I worship, and adore"
Okay, now, with a smile and twinkle in your eye...
Dressed up like you're going to the casino in Monte Carlo...
Complete with romance...
Fake it till you make it. You are gorgeous.

Community: assignment #2

2007-09-12T17:26:00.000-11:00

I had the honor of photographing the dedication of the first Sudanese Episcopal Church in the United States this summer. I watched men and women from Sudan as they gathered; many were “lost boys” and girls. I noticed they all greeted each other with a handshake, hug or both. Several people came up to me to welcome me with a handshake. I have never in my life witness true community such as this. I was in complete and total awe. I have enough knowledge of the horrors some of the people standing there in front of me must have faced, yet here they were with enormous smiles on their faces. I experienced a wide range of emotions that day. I was saddened because I have never been a part of a community such as that. I was angry that they could not be in their homeland. I was joyful that they had a place of their own in this dusty, arid land they now call home.

My community to date has been in my yoga. The classes I lead are where relationships are made on a different level than we would normally experience. We come to the mat for various reasons, usually physical, and step off the mat having touched something deep within that may not be comprehensible. As we come together over and over, we start to take our yoga off the mat. We change and as that change occurs, we see the world differently. We begin to put into action those feelings experienced on the mat- be it a kind word, a smile, or a much larger action that benefits many. As I alluded to in our first assignment, it is what drew me to this program. To be able to help communities put into practice that little seed that starts as simply a sensation will carry far beyond just that community. My actions will inspire others. I do not know how to live anything but an epistemic life. I cannot say with all honesty that I wouldn’t like to try out the opposite, but that is not what I am called to do or be. I would say, though, that I am not called to answer questions…at least not directly. I am called to ask the questions that lead to more questions that lead to action.

I have to add this final thought. My country, as a generality, is bonded presently by fear and greed. I do not know how to change this or if it is even a possibility. Perhaps it is not supposed to change and I am simply being arrogant to desire otherwise. I hope that I gain the tools necessary to begin to bridge communities to a healthier, sustainable place (by who’s definition, I do not know). I am in the process of finding a community (possibly a collaboration of two) that will allow me to find this way over the next two years. For now, I learn with my peers here and I step back onto the mat and teach.

Indentity: first grad school assignment

2007-09-10T18:33:00.001-11:00

I have to preface this with the assignment was after reading our instructors summary on a book, we were to write 1 paragraph on our identity: What are your unique characteristics? Perhaps write about those who have shaped you throughout your life. So, too, write about how you see yourself shaping others. How much does your life within community shape you? Especially, write about how you know what you know, who or what has influenced your growth and learning, and how do you see yourself shaping others in your community or the wider world. Seriously, 1 paragraph is all I get on this? I have just spent the last 16 months working on the questions, who am I and what are my basic beliefs! I was so paralyzed writing this that I had to have my neighbor who has had some great conversations with me on these subjects take a look at what I wrote to make sure I did not come across as a stupid, bumbling American idiot (we have enough of those here, one in particular running our country!- oh, yes, I said it). I read a t-shirt that said do one thing everyday that scares you. I believe Eleanor Roosevelt said that. So, here goes, my one paragraph for all the world to see...

“With these thoughts in mind, draft a full paragraph describing your identity.”
I have always believed the most profoundly complex ideas are presented in the simplest of statements. Once again, I am proven correct. My external identity is that of a yoga teacher (Pilates and personal trainer, too), an amateur photographer, a friend, daughter, niece, writer, opinionated western woman. Internally, I am wildly hopefully/optimistic yet with a realism that completely contradicts such notions, insightful and continually thinking, with the deepest desire to hopefully leave the world better than I inherited it. My desire to be a part of this program is a result of a “calling”, very similar to the one people describe of when entering the clergy. It is not enough anymore to simply stand on my mat and share what I know and call out in others their greatness. To be the change I wish to see in the world, I need to be an instigator of change, leading others to do the same. In my life, I know I have been both a web-weaver and a web watcher. In building, one must stop at times to survey progress before proceeding further. It is when we do not stop, but “stay the course”, stubborn in the belief that this is the right way, we fail miserably. It is vitally important to sit in silence, observe, listen, feel the pulse and make adjustments (including starting over) if necessary. I feel like this may be the only thing I can do now to help make a tiny dent in the enormous damage my country and culture has reaped on our world. I have to say as part of discovering my identity, I have had to learn to both love and like myself. This is an on-going learning experience. However, I could never forgive others without first forgiving myself, love others without first loving myself, be compassionate with others without first being compassionate toward myself. Right now, I feel just like a child, wide-eyed with wonder of a whole new experience, excited to grow yet slightly tentative of the unknown. I hope this is one of my most unique characteristics that I bring to the program. I am humbled and honored that for the first time in my life, I look forward to being “wrong” in the sense of learning such new and different perspectives that I am shaped in ways that I can not begin to phantom.

Little fingers and little toes

2007-09-09T19:36:00.000-11:00

I had the honor of dining with my running partner and good friend, Mikael, this weekend. I just love spending time with her and our talks. She's such an incredible mom and has such an amazingly even keel way to communicating. She lives her faith! She recently had a beautiful baby girl. Being the self-absorbed, non-child loving soul that I am (hey, I can own it, to use one of her favorite quotes), I have not be present and had not yet met her newest family member. She was precious. She looked like she wanted to say something. It was one of the craziest things I've ever seen. Her little fingers and toes were a reminder of the miracle of life; really, all that happened from a sperm and egg connecting at just the right time and being able to "cook" for just the right amount of time in just the right host. Pardon me, but that's just fucking amazing! What I love about babies is how in touch they are with their emotions and how non-attached they are to them! I'm hungry- cry. Food arrives- happy. It's simple.

In a workshop recently, the presenter was discussing active listening. One of her points was the importance and necessity of silence. She said she used to have people partner up and look at each other in silence for one minute. She then said, "It was painful!" I couldn't shake the question, why? What is it that makes us avoid silence in the presence of another? Is it our own mental chatter? Do we so not like our own company, ourselves, that we're squeamish about sitting there in front of another, vulnerable?

Well, while I am not at all ready or interested in having one of my own, I am grateful for my friend being able to raise three beautiful children in a healthy, loving environment. It renews my faith and made me think, as she always does. Namaste, sista!

Transitioning

2007-09-09T19:32:00.001-11:00

When I started teaching full-time, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it for an extended period of time. I was having fun and my body was certainly looking great, but each passing month more subtle reminders of the chronological aging process presented themselves. I figured that if I were lucky, I could do it for 5 years before I would need to transition into something else. The whole time, I knew in my heart, I would not be able to fully stop teaching; it is my passion.

This summer presented an opportunity to transition out of full-time teaching. I accepted it, knowing that I would also have to give up the opportunity for graduate school due to lack of funding and the inability to take the time off work. Interestingly, as the time past, I noticed the energy and “feel” for the few classes I was still teaching had changed. I was enjoying them more and they were feeling more…well, just more.

I learned of my first scholarship via email. A few emails down was the reminder of another scholarship’s deadline. I applied and found out I had and interview. The interview was remarkable. It was comfortable. I learned a week later that I had received it. My entire first year was now paid for! I met with the owner of the company I was working for and told him about it and that it would mean I would need to be gone a month, 4 times over the upcoming 2 years. He said no, I asked when my last day should be, The next day, a woman answered an ad I’d placed on Craig’s List. She hired me to come teach a class for the company she works for, a personal training client that I had two years ago contacted me to resume training, and Wesley Community Center told me come on back, the ladies have been faithfully coming and exercising to a tape while you were gone- they’ll be thrilled you’re back!

I walked into the first day of classes at PVCC and it’s essentially filled with students that are returning! It was like a family reunion, or at least all the best parts of one. The first day back to Wesley Center, the ladies applauded. They’ve never done that. Then I went to Palm Springs for a conference on mind-body wellness. I learned something significant in all 5 sessions I attended and I left feeling like I am doing exactly what I should be doing and it felt so good, so comfortable, so easy and I am so grateful.

Today was the first day of grad school. I got my materials too late to start reading. However, it has sunk in, this is real. I am in grad school and I am doing something that is an extension of my yoga. The next step, if you will. I know there are many people in my life that are really proud of me, proud of what I am doing and the direction of this journey, even if some of them don’t tell me, I know. I know because they keep reading these blogs, keep asking me about it all. Honestly, I am pretty proud of it all, too. I am also humbled and honored…and extremely grateful; for the love, the opportunities, the ability, so much more.

Third World Cantina

2007-09-09T18:41:00.000-11:00

para Jorge y Teresa...

The cerveza is cold,
sun setting low
at this third world cantina

Flies tickling the skin,
songs en espanol
at this third world cantina

Our lives so short,
being present and checking it all out
at this third world cantina

Humidity clings, sweat pools
bullshit flows as the sun dips low
at this third world cantina

Loud speaker squawks, cocos are what you want
but really everyone here just wants a buck
at this third world cantina

Colors change, red, gold
sinking low, low; it's gonna go
at this third world cantina

day now fades to night, temperature drops with the sun
and once again the town comes to life
at this third world cantina

"History, it's just one fucking thing after another"

2007-08-28T18:45:00.000-11:00

I watched the History Boys tonight. While I think I should watch it again to really grasp it, the last scene gave me pause, worth watching the whole movie. I won't give too much away. It made me wonder if any of my high school teachers wondered what I would be one day or if any have ever thought about it since. Probably my dance teachers. I wonder what they would think if they read what I read about my future today. A list, names, countries or residence, occupation. 22 names, including mine, of the people who would share the next 2 years, 4 months of which living together in some capacity, learning and doing, each with our own vision of the change we wish to be in the world.

Funny, I rarely dance anymore, at least outside of my head. I suppose the dancer may quite moving her body physically, but in her mind she's still dancing. Now my creativity is expressed through the writing and the photography. The knowledge of the body, the education from NAU and ACSM, teamed with the years of experience, well, that just makes me intuitively good at my advocation of teaching. I try to leave and it always calls me back. Embrace it is the only possible answer.

Teachers, they leave such lasting impressions. Some positive, some negative. Some teachers don't even know they are teaching. The simple statement that the person speaking soon forgets, but that leaves a lasting impression. The actions that when looked at somewhat closer, shows the words do not match. The book written as a healing instrument for the author that guides us along our path. The dog that comes up and lies down next to you, placing the head on your lap, sighing and then falling asleep, feeling safe and loved...or is that you that feels such emotion?

Here's to the teachers.

Nah, women are simple...

2007-08-23T17:57:00.000-11:00

I was having a conversation with my wrestler friend, Nacho Libre, this evening and I was saying, why do guys...? He said who knows, men can't figure women out and women can't figure men out. I said, nah, women are simple. How so, he asks. Ever own a cat? Yes, he says, two. I said, then you know, women are like cats; when they want attention you know, when they don't but you try to give it to them, you know. He said, yeah, one was clingy and the other had nothing to do with me. I said, exactly. Aren't women the same way. The ones who don't want you, if they like you enough, they come around to be fed and occasionally petted, if not, they move on. Someone will feed them or they'll find their own food (ah, I know where I fall in there). The ones who like you are clingy as hell or at least periodically come looking for attention.

Now, ladies, don't get uptight on this one. Not every person can fit neatly into a box. I certainly didn't say every woman is a domesticated cat, nor did I say there aren't mutants. I met this cat a month ago that was the hairless breed. Nice cat, but damn was it weird. I believe there are some women that fall into that category- you have to be forced to be in their presence just to give them an opportunity to show you how much love they have to offer.

Now men, I don't know. Just can't think you are all so simple that the penis is the primary deciding factor in most decisions. That would reduce the entire generation into a pleasure only category that is not quite evolved enough to utilize rationale. That's not fair. So, explain to me, what is it with so many protecting their feelings and reacting from a fear of failure? Hell, we ALL fail...over and over and over again. That's life. We all, well most of us, SUCK at relationships (and yes, AJ and RLB- even you goddesses haven't always been perfect in those cool relationships you have). We get hurt, we learn, doesn't mean you stop.

Wouldn't it be great though to use that evolved brain of ours and find the best in relationships and build one from those qualities? Like all the car manufactures getting together and say, this is the best thing about this car of ours and they create the ULTIMATE car based on that. Ah, wouldn't ever happen though, would it? 1. we aren't evolved enough even if we like to think so, 2. who wins? who gets the profits? we'd spend so much time being selfish and greedy that we'd miss the point that we all win!

I suppose that is why I continue to live on the outskirts of town (figuratively), rapidly becoming the quirky old maid, content to scrounge my own food and curl up alone my in own bed, wondering if finding delight in myself prevents me from opening to growth through another and as a consequence, makes me overall, less likable to the rest of the world? Isn't that the age old question for singles everywhere? Or at least those who haven't become calloused to simple say, who fucking cares?